tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51042374327786287562024-03-21T17:13:39.953-04:00The Grief SpotA blog about life with grief. This is the journey that ensues while you learn to cope and adjust to the new identity grief leaves you with. The Grief Spot is that place or mark that is forever a part of who you become.Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-75904954638444260362022-05-03T10:03:00.003-04:002022-05-03T10:03:42.798-04:00Not like Any Other<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dw6fgBlK2rE5bPtCFS5U7CHoL74PgFSea10CCDA5oZW97AATbC9vgYN_SeoW84s02iBHRleRsSWvBB1hoRrEA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />For you it is a day like any other. Playing tag with your dad as he walks you to school, only slightly aware that he is not typically home to do that. You mentioned Flynn this morning, you want to make sense of it. Trying to understand something that boggles the minds of the adults who you seek answers from. You ponder out loud with me:<p></p><p>Littlest: I think Flynn is happier dead...</p><p>Me: What makes you say that?</p><p>Littlest: Well he gets to become 100 wherever he is, but if he was alive he would be suffering.</p><p>Me: I am not sure about that, I would have wanted him to be here with us if he could.</p><p>Littlest: But not if he was suffering.</p><p>Me: No, not if he was suffering.</p><p>It is just a moment and then you are on to something else, a princess story, a butterfly musing. Today is like any other day for you and also it is not. You are so perceptive and bright. You want to play tag with your dad all the way to school. I can see that you can sense a melancholy in his mood but when he plays tag - well there is laughter and silliness and he can hardly keep from delighting in the chase and your giggles at being caught. We get to school and you get into your line. Your dad and I stand near by and you proclaim loudly:</p><p>Littlest: Why are you celebrating Flynn's birthday, he is literally dead?</p><p>Nobody heard you but us and I get it, I see you. Grief is painful, there is sadness and we don't look the same when it is here. Your protest is not about Flynn, you want your mom and dad to be connected, engaging and light. My little darling, this is temporary. We will sit in the sacredness of the memory of your brother today. We will honour 20 years of loving and missing him. We will return from the comfort of our moments spent with him to the family that has grown around him and you will have us back. Today is not about you and like any sibling, that is hard to understand, but you will be okay because you are so loved. Today is not like any other and that is hard.</p>Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-43988573143587161162021-05-03T16:19:00.000-04:002021-05-03T16:19:31.843-04:00Parenting a Ghost<p> It is the same day every year, May 3rd. The day that we mark one more year without you and also how old you would be. It is the one day in the year that we take time for you, that people send us kind words and thoughts, the one time in 365 days that you are acknowledged by more than our immediate circle of people. </p><p>Like many other years, your dad and I took flowers to the cemetery. Hoping not to repeat previous years searching the city for blue orchids, I ordered them a week ahead of time this year. When we arrived at the florist, the orchids were not in due to a delay in the shipment. Purple orchids would have to do. While we waited for the orchids to be wrapped I saw a hanging plant called "baby tears," it seemed apropos that it come with us. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCZ_BGlI1S_acm4CcZxfJm9K_MWcbp0BtUbNZM98LkPt0_pOje-puj7aAgMB0ry5Zo3HaA96W3s2Ut5LYXoHVmef44NQBGCikD4KfjbW1pvWbN_jJIDoyUsFiVb_ihuu3Hf4aKSQAVxbc/s2048/IMG_1648.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCZ_BGlI1S_acm4CcZxfJm9K_MWcbp0BtUbNZM98LkPt0_pOje-puj7aAgMB0ry5Zo3HaA96W3s2Ut5LYXoHVmef44NQBGCikD4KfjbW1pvWbN_jJIDoyUsFiVb_ihuu3Hf4aKSQAVxbc/s320/IMG_1648.HEIC" /></a></div><br /><p>At your graveside, we laughed at the mishap again this year in trying to secure blue orchids. After my laughter turned to tears, your dad reminded me that today wasn't meant to be perfect. I think there is a part of him that believes you have a hand in this; a prankster like your siblings and like him. Your stone was dirty after a year of neglect and we both took turns rubbing it with an old cloth grocery bag to remove what moss and debris we could. We promised to come back with something more effective to polish it up. It is one of the physical things we can care for in your absence. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNqlD2-ql-lY8N7KbrxbkltfkGpAZh684dElJtxGuCPac7Dqkp_IijE-efrAqTmdItGcBdlVZ8qeVrTwwNVSzfp_x-Wa82RpD-9daMxC4E8GfCOJaFdBKQOcz_9gFDX7HDFpLgmxIBMxsF/s2048/IMG_1649.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNqlD2-ql-lY8N7KbrxbkltfkGpAZh684dElJtxGuCPac7Dqkp_IijE-efrAqTmdItGcBdlVZ8qeVrTwwNVSzfp_x-Wa82RpD-9daMxC4E8GfCOJaFdBKQOcz_9gFDX7HDFpLgmxIBMxsF/s320/IMG_1649.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div><p>We didn't stay long at your stone and today in the misty grey of the day, we strolled around the neighbourhood admiring the beautiful houses that are an extension of this century old area. Every year we picture ourselves living in one of the regal houses with the manicured lawns and we point out which ones are our favourites. I think it brings us comfort that we often point out the same ones. Some of the gardens are blooming with Forget-Me-Nots and as we wander, I imagine what it would be like to live just a block from you and the word peaceful comes to mind. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0F4KQJUqf6UuCN9TetzTPfEk3rGnIlVXJmjgigNwNRtr5M3tlWYkuJS_C8FXktxSmEONPhDNDt8NRNFtmlD8KL0asZiy9LloiSA2L_72_G9E1qnMGOtrDHZbd3euoODP5ERLryZ4OVLex/s2048/IMG_1650.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0F4KQJUqf6UuCN9TetzTPfEk3rGnIlVXJmjgigNwNRtr5M3tlWYkuJS_C8FXktxSmEONPhDNDt8NRNFtmlD8KL0asZiy9LloiSA2L_72_G9E1qnMGOtrDHZbd3euoODP5ERLryZ4OVLex/s320/IMG_1650.HEIC" /></a></div><p>Our time with you is limited and we drive thirty minutes to treat ourselves to lunch. We cannot stay in this place of memorialization too much longer; we feel compelled to get home in the midst of this pandemic. Before we do, we get a cake for the family to enjoy after dinner. Sitting in the car, eating our sandwiches, I comment that I feel like I am parenting a ghost. Your dad solemnly nods and I continue that we imagine you on our family vacations, acknowledge you in our home and workplaces. We picture you at our family game nights and how we would navigate another teenager devastated by the restrictions of the pandemic. We think about this birthday, your nineteenth, and how we would celebrate this with you. Maybe you would be here with us or maybe you would be away at school. Possibly you would be angry that this birthday had to be subdued or maybe you would be grateful for the lack of fanfare. Parenting a ghost comes with some unanswered imaginings. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg58lKJFtQrWjd27e9OQ8UIq9TE4_g2dldTEv3QWX4gnl2hKbpLoRwU3RbXDA2nJU21V0HBz07C8xqSPwwzoMNyIbJOeyvW-Un9rLaS3t3Q7zXEid3qhFJef-c1OR2Y2V64ccXc005zRYzu/s2048/IMG_1657.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg58lKJFtQrWjd27e9OQ8UIq9TE4_g2dldTEv3QWX4gnl2hKbpLoRwU3RbXDA2nJU21V0HBz07C8xqSPwwzoMNyIbJOeyvW-Un9rLaS3t3Q7zXEid3qhFJef-c1OR2Y2V64ccXc005zRYzu/s320/IMG_1657.HEIC" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-41321442749200954352020-05-03T17:39:00.001-04:002020-05-03T17:39:38.018-04:0018 Years With and Without YouA few days ago, as our family sat around the kitchen island talking about the pandemic, the idea came up about how different our home would have looked if you were alive today. Everyone acknowledged that you would have been 18 and what a full house it would be. The older boys believed that you would be their buddy, playing video games and working out with them. The middle oldest wondered if he would have been born so soon after you, which made the middle youngest wonder if he would have been born at all. The littlest was oblivious and naturally assumed that she would be here regardless but also if you could be alive, why couldn't we just go and get you out of the casket (her words)? We decided that this birthday/deathaversary we would go the cemetery together and your siblings also asked if we could bake a cake to mark the day.<br />
<br />
We woke up to a glorious day, this May 3rd. It was easy to forget that we are going into the 8th week of self-isolation in the COVID-19 pandemic. We took a slow approach to the day, having coffee on the back deck and watching the littlest blow bubbles.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy-ilexgAOS71cUNjB3GqarV5XrZ7eDiVRJIp0yUGRv5KtNk3sfHVYIkeTlbMuu5JF6WjbITLGTIv6ervfEGpozBbO6Pwn0mX07beQwQMCooyVwOp3OY0znylXhqc1xkSxxAlN5XDyW4U_/s1600/CB5E17F9-9BD4-481C-A3AB-85F887C6A915+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy-ilexgAOS71cUNjB3GqarV5XrZ7eDiVRJIp0yUGRv5KtNk3sfHVYIkeTlbMuu5JF6WjbITLGTIv6ervfEGpozBbO6Pwn0mX07beQwQMCooyVwOp3OY0znylXhqc1xkSxxAlN5XDyW4U_/s320/CB5E17F9-9BD4-481C-A3AB-85F887C6A915+2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Some things had to be different this year, due to the pandemic, we didn't have the luxury to scope out flower shops to find the blue orchids that we normally take to the graveside. This day is held sacred so that we can honour our relationship with you and often it is a time to feel the grief over your absence. This year it is difficult to feel anything. I assume it is because we are holding onto so much just to keep working, to manage your siblings emotional, psychological and scholastic needs and to remain focused on the here and now. We are in a holding pattern, so familiar to the early days after you died, when each day blurred into the next and we felt isolated from the reality everyone else still had access to. Except now we are all in the same reality, no one is immune to the pandemic or the emotions it may provoke.<br />
<br />
We headed out to the cemetery, Landy and I on the motorcycle and our oldest driving the rest in the car. The motorcycle is the most freedom we have from the family these days; a date on the open road. I don't remember the last time that we were all at the graveside. I know that we have not been there since the littlest was born, it was comforting to have us all there to honour this day. And yet, it is always hard to see your name etched in stone, that will never get easier.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAl1P9oaxXqCI4-VyVwva1u8yqTyK_pacqLNU5kc1a2MdIvRCh09OQn7WdrlTneX_yVcBpIlV48M_FgiTalQb6Nj23C0tZ4V8162z0QXBy3bFCfo0JQTFCREW1s-a3tdKXX9bVG_2YfEq/s1600/IMG_8150.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1520" data-original-width="1600" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAl1P9oaxXqCI4-VyVwva1u8yqTyK_pacqLNU5kc1a2MdIvRCh09OQn7WdrlTneX_yVcBpIlV48M_FgiTalQb6Nj23C0tZ4V8162z0QXBy3bFCfo0JQTFCREW1s-a3tdKXX9bVG_2YfEq/s320/IMG_8150.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I have said often that I am so grateful for the people who have come into our lives since your death. They didn't know you and they never met you, but our friends have never let that be a barrier to honouring you, talking about you and dreaming about you too. We opted for a physically distanced visit, to be around people, even if we were ten feet apart. Grief can be so lonely in the best of moments. It is a challenge to be with people you love at a distant, but as a bereaved family, we have lots of practice - we have loved you our whole life and the distance between us couldn't be farther.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDGnjmWyeMN6CkGTZiOqWB94V-RHqNgGG9MfVl5ExEgP9egvA3Ln-Q5Fc2kSyDI9RT4v89bdHLCaHREYdef21q1lo3VBxGLA61a9upyEBzHhzthuIpTLlUfTEsHtv2JbXG4T_c4N_JL3NQ/s1600/IMG_1125.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="939" data-original-width="1600" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDGnjmWyeMN6CkGTZiOqWB94V-RHqNgGG9MfVl5ExEgP9egvA3Ln-Q5Fc2kSyDI9RT4v89bdHLCaHREYdef21q1lo3VBxGLA61a9upyEBzHhzthuIpTLlUfTEsHtv2JbXG4T_c4N_JL3NQ/s320/IMG_1125.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Today we once again honoured your short life and the impact of living 18 years with and without you. That conversation around the kitchen island a few days ago highlighted the reality that the reason for you has so many folds in the fabric of our lives. Not the same as a reason for why you died, but rather, everyone around our table are who they are, in some small part because you existed.<br />
<br />
Happy 18th Birthday Flynn, with and without you.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWphw__izoD1rONd2LLm3_sSrzAu-Mtl7skJlOZphUWitdgVkkov2pXt05_QUf4rvs1IRUT8x045Ytb_62OemPt2jYnfRU6aCcQQ1nSyAiO8HVHdJyDDbCUk0RVTTzagsM_Tr4q3v1gnWt/s1600/IMG_0058.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWphw__izoD1rONd2LLm3_sSrzAu-Mtl7skJlOZphUWitdgVkkov2pXt05_QUf4rvs1IRUT8x045Ytb_62OemPt2jYnfRU6aCcQQ1nSyAiO8HVHdJyDDbCUk0RVTTzagsM_Tr4q3v1gnWt/s320/IMG_0058.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-73745597477719620942019-03-31T17:33:00.000-04:002019-03-31T17:33:07.789-04:00Our Family's Oxymoron<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimX2AV4omSCvFZ9PP8UIJjr-QH886Ou1inLmhjDMYBT-reivXMf5MmLZ1lriKuQ6zZBYtbtJ-WvvbdZ1soIvDuRy2CHjcxchQGrQM0lXA_XQgeP4qpYaXr3Gk19VQEPy61F8qDWZAYcViB/s1600/IMG_0666.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimX2AV4omSCvFZ9PP8UIJjr-QH886Ou1inLmhjDMYBT-reivXMf5MmLZ1lriKuQ6zZBYtbtJ-WvvbdZ1soIvDuRy2CHjcxchQGrQM0lXA_XQgeP4qpYaXr3Gk19VQEPy61F8qDWZAYcViB/s400/IMG_0666.HEIC" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
Today I drove the route that with one turn would have led me to your cemetery. The route is picturesque and especially so today with an early spring snow fall newly on the ground. I found my mind wondering to conversing with you, something I rarely do, and it inspired me to write this blog. It is March 31<sup>st</sup>and every turn around the sun I remember April as the month that I spent in and out of hospital as my body slowly and painfully failed to carry you. As I drove, I opened myself up to the conversation, the things I would have wanted you to know about the day you were born, the story I will never get to tell you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
You would be approaching seventeen in May; it is just unimaginable. I try to picture you, wondering if you would tower over me like your brothers or would you be smaller, more petite if you had survived? Survived… the word punctures my heart; it reminds me that there was nothing I could do to save you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
When I gave birth to you the pediatrician swept you away for the briefest of moments, knowing that our time was short, she measured your Apgar’s, the test that evaluates your ability to thrive. It was not long before you were placed back in my arms wrapped in the tiniest of quilts where you looked swallowed up in flannel. The doctor informing us that you scored ones and threes where we needed nines and tens. Nurses measured your beating heart, gently calling out numbers to a doctor recording them in the corner – “90 beats per minute.” Your warmth radiated through the blanket and although we were told you weighed one pound, six ounces, the weight of you lay heavy in my arms. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
I watched as your little mouth opened and closed, mimicking breathing. Maybe you were instinctively looking for food, but your movements were not quite the nuzzling of an infant looking for milk. I felt so confused, every instinct in me wanted to feed you, to believe that if I could simply give you nourishment our reality could change. I was starkly silent to my normal nature and yet my mind was on fire screaming “help me help him.” People moved alongside me, your dad and grandparents, weeping and holding me as I whispered my apologetic love to you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
Where my body failed to carry you, I was now failing in my duty as your mother. I didn’t know how to fight for you or what to fight for. I wished I could have asked you what you needed of me. Would it have been the life you wanted if I had insisted you be rushed to a NICU? Would the choice to intervene and in turn barely touch you give you the resources to live? Should I have asked your tiny body to be responsible to fight for life, constantly trying to ward off death? Let me be clear mister, I would have taken you any way I could have had you and I realize that may be idealistic and selfish and a thought born out of this lifelong grief I bear without You. But that wasn’t what we chose because the grim realities were laid out before us while I was still struggling to grow you within me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
I wanted to run, my arms and legs itched to flee the reality of that delivery room and only thirty minutes into your life the doctor told us that we had a window for the surgery that I needed, and we would be wise to take it. I decided to leave for surgery and not witness your last moments of living. I left that to your dad and not because I was thinking of him and what he needed but because it was unbearable to struggle with the fight or flight response raging in my body. Just writing this I can feel it awakening in me like a primal scream. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
Dear boy you were surrounded by so much love and you gave us an hour and a half to instill our message of gratitude and to cherish your life. We didn’t know in that moment how much your wee imprint on our souls would influence our lives and our family. We are about to acknowledge seventeen years with and without you in our lives, and I realize that you are the oxymoron of our family, you are the little giant that roots our family. Darling Boy, thank you.<o:p></o:p></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-57980387323974983622018-03-18T14:31:00.002-04:002018-03-18T14:36:15.778-04:00Making Room<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">“Sometimes you just
don’t know what you need until you need it.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While that can be true of
anything, it was particularly true on Flynn’s last anniversary in May 2017.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t blog about the anniversary, the
second time in 8 years. I thought that I had wanted Landy to observe the
anniversary with me, in fact the year before I had asked that he spend the next
anniversary with me and he agreed he <a href="https://thegriefspot.blogspot.ca/2016/05/a-photo-journal-of-another-anniversary.html" target="_blank">would</a>. That is what we did, we spent the day together and we both agreed it was
awkward, anxious and disjointed. Admittedly, it was the third anniversary
observed together in fifteen years and we didn’t really articulate our expectations;
we would do it differently next time. However, this blog is not about May 3<sup>rd</sup>,
it is actually about May 5<sup>th</sup>, the day we went for a visit with Landy’s
grandma.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">We haven’t often talked
about Flynn with Landy’s grandma, he seemed off limits for her. When he was
born and died she was in Winnipeg visiting her sister and so she did not make
it home for the funeral. I don’t remember expecting her to be there and as
anyone who has stood in the shock of death can attest, I didn’t even know who
was there. It was approximately a month after the funeral before we had
dinner with her and while I probably said Flynn’s name nearly twenty times, she
would kindly and firmly change the subject and finally it was clear that he
wasn’t going to be discussed further.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">For years I was unsure
how to “be” around Landy’s grandma. She had experienced the death of two adult
children, her son (Landy’s dad) and after Flynn, her daughter. While I felt
like an outsider in my family, my friend group and in general, I wanted to feel
connected with someone who understood and had knowledge on how to cope with
grief. It was an undiscerning need to make meaning and find community in our
loss and it became clear that would not be Grandma’s role. Following Flynn’s death,
I would experience anxiety or panic about visiting with her and it would take
me many more years to gain the perspective that stories of death and grief could
co-exist without invalidating each other. To be clear she never said anything
dissuading me from looking to her in grief, quite the opposite, she said
nothing. In some ways her silence around grief and Flynn’s death became a
source of shame and insecurity around my own identity as a bereaved parent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">2017 was different. Landy
made plans for us to visit, 2 days after Flynn’s anniversary and I had
vocalized that I did not think I could go. The year had been particularly
difficult for me and I did not want to set Flynn aside to visit with Grandma. Landy asked me to
reconsider, his grandma is in her mid 90s and while he understood I was
struggling, he wanted me to be there. I agreed that it would be better if I went. Dinner was nice, we made casual
conversation, caught up on extended family news and after we were finished Landy took the kids to play in the
facility's game room. I sat with Grandma and talked about some recent work
success including an upcoming presentation at the International Grief and
Bereavement Conference. This is the conversation that followed:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">“The What? Oh my, that
is not something we would have had in my day!” She continued, “I know you
counsel people {about grief} but we just didn’t go out and talk about this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">“Well Grandma, you
likely found support at church or in your community which may have helped. Today we live in a secular society where people do not always have a sense of
community or they are not geographically able to access it.”
Grandma nodded and I am unsure what spurred me to continue but I did, “when
Flynn died I felt isolated and lonely and counselling really helped me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">It was then that she
said the thing that I will be eternally grateful for, “it must have been devastating
to go through that, it is never easy to lose a child.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">Through tears I told
Grandma that he would have been 15 just 2 days before, she looked at me and I
felt extraordinarily vulnerable, she said “I often think about Flynn and wonder
who he would have been. I wish he was here and we would have gladly made room
for him in this family.” Even as I write these words, I do so through tears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">Sometimes you don’t
know what you need or what your heart has been missing until that moment comes
along to fill it. That short but meaningful moment with Landy’s grandma, Flynn’s
great grandma was an act of kindness and grace that filled a tiny hole in my
heart. She made room for Flynn in her family that day and for that I am so thankful.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkwpYc_afMsJN-GwQh16zr9mjbujpU4SbO38BoiDtTohDU5kQTJ2EeXNh9yU9Kl_vH8L0IyIWMVbgQIMfp0UNYqKMbmxTNtHHFaSOkEMKGoTTd_O2_AM9URVxcCQXJxk3NPtTPEXB2cJ6S/s1600/IMG_20170423_192857_230.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkwpYc_afMsJN-GwQh16zr9mjbujpU4SbO38BoiDtTohDU5kQTJ2EeXNh9yU9Kl_vH8L0IyIWMVbgQIMfp0UNYqKMbmxTNtHHFaSOkEMKGoTTd_O2_AM9URVxcCQXJxk3NPtTPEXB2cJ6S/s400/IMG_20170423_192857_230.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="375">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Mention"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Smart Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hashtag"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Unresolved Mention"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;
mso-ansi-language:EN-US;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-78809481946359439662017-05-02T21:02:00.002-04:002018-03-18T13:44:27.431-04:00How I Know I am StrongIn the early days of grief people told me that I was so strong for how I
reacted to Flynn`s death. Numb and unable to experience or express my emotions, I put my energy into tasks. I called friends and family and recited the facts of Flynn`s birth and death, I met with a funeral director to make funeral arrangements, talked with a florist about flowers for Flynn`s tiny casket, and chose cemetery plots and a plot marker. I wrote Flynn`s funeral service and made the remembrance card that attendees would take with them. Essentially I was finding a way to
simply put one foot in front of the other not out of some sense of strength but merely as a way to survive. I wasn`t the only one being asked to muster strength in a time of grief; Landy was also told to be strong for me, Flynn`s mother, because I would need him and both
of us were told that our responsibility was to focus on our oldest and let
him bring us strength. <br />
<br />
I often wonder if people would have told me I was weak if I had cried or even wailed and expressed my profound sadness that my tiny son was dead and I would have to somehow carry on without him. I am curious why our society asks or even demands that grievers are "strong" in the face of such despair and heartbreak? What a disservice our language serves in the aftershock of death and how unfortunate that our discomfort with grief has us asking that people restrain themselves (an act of strength) rather then expose the depths of their pain (an act of vulnerability).<br />
<br />
So here is how I know that I am strong. I allow myself to fall apart when I no longer want to hold myself together. I seek out relationships that support me in being vulnerable and exposing my pain. I courageously experience my feelings and share them through meaningful connections with those I love. I experience empathy and compassion from those around me and ensure that I am capable of showing it in return. I willingly share Flynn with friends and family so that his impact on our life leaves a legacy beyond the mere hours he spent alive. I don't ask people to be strong in the face of death and grief, I ask them to be kind and generous with their heart and soul and that I am there with love and compassion.<br />
<br />
This type of strength is a continuous and ever changing journey and just last week I cried. It was a loud, wet, messy sob that lasted for several minutes and did not in any way resemble the Hollywood version of crying~ one tear slowly trickling down the cheek. Tears pooled in my eyelids until they dumped down my cheeks, washing away the foundation and smudging the mascara I had so carefully applied to appear polished for the day. The noises from my throat and mouth sounded like honks and grunts while my mouth curled into a grimace that simply opened and then closed again. Between sobs I gasped for breath, gulping whatever oxygen the slight pause in my crying would allow, chest heaving and empty inhalations wheezing through the silence. Every muscle in my body hardened and tensed while my emotions, suppressed until this moment, rushed forward escaping through the opportunity my crying had presented. There was grief, heartbreak, helplessness and frustration interwoven with tones of love and hope. On that day a week ago I was reminded that the earth had continued to turn and another 360 days had passed; soon I would be facing 15 years since I last held my tiny son kissing him and whispering I love you while simultaneously saying good bye. It has taken a great deal of strength to grieve, sometimes every fibre of my being, because while that was the first day without him, I now know that I will have to face every day for the rest of my life without him and that is more goodbyes then I can count.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihxWCWlR_Mj4s9y6wLzhjAy2rI6MEO3UjNfvx6dqlXJFsg9Lj74i-88da5N9po0si0GXA3jhMOcL-22E6w4M7vlZo9Wuo94-1XsxNLm18gs1wxsjJu8MjGtH57vvRuPhMXOfEawnDhSRWU/s1600/flynhands1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihxWCWlR_Mj4s9y6wLzhjAy2rI6MEO3UjNfvx6dqlXJFsg9Lj74i-88da5N9po0si0GXA3jhMOcL-22E6w4M7vlZo9Wuo94-1XsxNLm18gs1wxsjJu8MjGtH57vvRuPhMXOfEawnDhSRWU/s400/flynhands1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-7584197009185715562016-10-23T21:38:00.002-04:002016-10-23T21:44:35.336-04:00We All Lose - An Essay by my Very Talented Son<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I want to start
by saying that this is a very raw narrative that my oldest wrote for an assignment
at school (not for the faint of heart). While I am very proud of him for his
honest and at times heartbreaking look at his life, it was not easy to
read. The reality is that while he has lived this, so have we - beside
him, at times feeling terribly powerless and afraid. If I could have written in
the margins of this assignment I would have reminded him that his existence was
me winning. Our family has experienced loss and his struggle is his to navigate
but not alone and not by losing. Maybe we have a future writer on our hands
(even though he says he hates english).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">There are many things to lose, almost too many. Losing isn’t avoidable it is a
part of life. Whether it be a game, a loved one or an opportunity, if we lose
hope or motivation, we all lose. A born winner takes losing much harder than a
born loser. Everyone deals with loss differently and for different reasons. For
example, losing a game may be experienced differently then losing family or
friends. In life we all lose, some just lose more than others.
</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I am a born
loser. I have managed a few lucky wins here and there but the rest of the time
I am losing. I have lost members of my family, I have lost my motivation for
success, I believe I am lost. My best friend is the complete opposite, he has
been winning since day one. He had a small hiccup when his parents split, but
for the most part he is winning. He is intelligent, athletic and has a drive to
be successful; I believe he can’t lose.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">When I was born
I was diagnosed with cellulitis which lead to late onset group B strep. I
was hospitalized for two weeks and was at risk of contracting meningitis, that
was when my losing started. At age two and a half my parents told me that I
would be a big brother. I was almost three years old when my baby brother died
just two hours after he was born. I don’t remember much from that time period
other than the dramatic shift in our house from joyous anticipation to
devastating despair. My mom became a shell of her former self, empty like the room
he was supposed to fill.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">It would be
seven years later when the Grim Reaper would rear his ugly head again, this
time taking my “uncle” away from me, from his family. This man who I aspired to
be like. A father who had just welcomed his fifth child. He was the most caring
man I knew. I became extremely aggressive in a futile attempt to suppress my
pain, the feeling of losing, the feeling of emptiness I had only experienced
once before. If a streak consists of three, then this is where my losing streak
begins.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Four months
later I was on my way home from Disney World with my family, when my mom got a
phone call. She sunk deep into her seat, face slipping into a hollow frown as
streams of tears flowed from her eyes. Those same awful streams from seven
years earlier. It wouldn’t be until we were home that she would tell us that my
Grandma died. I lost control of all my emotions, experiencing endless
fits of anger. The loss of her felt like fuel had been thrown on the
fires of an already burning fury.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I went two years
without losing anyone. At the end of grade six I lost my dog. Copper the
only dog I ever knew. He was my confidant, he comforted and understood me, we
grew up together. Suddenly he was gone and my heart was ripped from my chest.
The hurt was immeasurable and the emptiness reached new levels. I felt so
empty like there was nothing left in me to be empty. <span style="background: white;"> I began to slip away, just coasting through life trying not to get
attached to people. I wanted to prevent myself from losing more than I already
had.</span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">My simmering
anger now turned to rage and I blamed it all on my parents. I tried to
run away from everything, love, attachments, my home, but that didn't work
because I was only thirteen. I resorted to thoughts of killing myself so I
would never lose anyone ever again. I would be freed from the sadness, the
anger, the emptiness, the loss. These thoughts were in my head for years; how
to do it, when to do it, where to do it. This was how I spent my formative
years of thirteen, fourteen and fifteen. At some point the thoughts stopped, I
began to realize that if I died I would just become someone else's loss.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">At sixteen I
lost my great Aunt to lung cancer and my Uncle to a heart attack. I felt
nothing. I wasn't affected by their passing and I was not sure if it was
because we were not close or just because I was so empty that I had stopped
caring. I don’t know. It scared me to think that I could not feel and maybe
never would again. How could I live without emotion, was that even
living? For just a moment I wondered if I could bear to keep losing if that was
what life was.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Just last month
I lost another one of my uncles. We saw him two to three times a year and when
we did, him and I would have long conversations about how I was doing and if I
was still playing baseball? He would tell me that he would like to come
and watch me play and I would always say that he was welcome but I would never
reach out and give him a schedule and so he never made it to a game. Then he
was gone, gone forever and I cried. There was sadness and pain which was
followed by a profound joy at the realization that I was alive.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Some may say
that I have been burdened by loss. From my earliest memory I was losing and it
followed me throughout my life. At times it seemed unbearable and something
that was suffered in silence and other times it seemed to scream through my
anger derived from my emptiness. Life can be a collection of losses or an
accumulation of memories, I still trying to figure out which one is me. For
now, I have lost. I am lost. I will lose, we all do.
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7K_Won35ViKFxqiQTUh_hCKdEStv1S8A-Z0RRpwi2nw4uGP-sg48lS1Bb1Az36O6WuRCXZPc9oMFDKxoRgPItPfl0CFjV6XWhIYtJKCAfV6BtcGrhsjVYw6O0X-Fj7pD4TR-RDKlquEcH/s1600/rhyslamb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7K_Won35ViKFxqiQTUh_hCKdEStv1S8A-Z0RRpwi2nw4uGP-sg48lS1Bb1Az36O6WuRCXZPc9oMFDKxoRgPItPfl0CFjV6XWhIYtJKCAfV6BtcGrhsjVYw6O0X-Fj7pD4TR-RDKlquEcH/s320/rhyslamb.jpg" width="290" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;
mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
</style>
<![endif]-->Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-45718964742005814762016-05-03T21:22:00.001-04:002016-05-03T21:22:07.292-04:00A Photo Journal of Another Anniversary that ended in ConversationLong title to a blog, I know, however I did not want to misrepresent myself, it is not just photography and I plan on ending this blog with the conversation that I had with Landy as I think it was a really important one.<br />
Today is the 14th anniversary of Flynn`s birth and death and this is how I spent my day.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_0gQS9dnO58yzD7Y9sXN5IMTVgDeW_gIWf-r4tUE51-KLB-znUHRgMbkRSlKGWxE737RnggS2fLRo9xKLWlErdtaQlOexveOBcnP9OcopQLsQVY_AznXyjfcs5JBM6IWoq2OSNiWUigGf/s1600/Flynn%2527s+Tree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_0gQS9dnO58yzD7Y9sXN5IMTVgDeW_gIWf-r4tUE51-KLB-znUHRgMbkRSlKGWxE737RnggS2fLRo9xKLWlErdtaQlOexveOBcnP9OcopQLsQVY_AznXyjfcs5JBM6IWoq2OSNiWUigGf/s320/Flynn%2527s+Tree.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
I woke up this morning and it was kinda sunny. The type of day that is mostly cloudy (not the fluffy kind, more the gray rainy kind) with moments of sun poking through. I dressed in layers for the day and as I left my house I noticed that Flynn`s tree, the weeping pea that we bought after he died and have transplanted 3 times, was budding it`s leaves.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvkOLjqaNMjVRFnE_aP9BXpz5-Z2x8IxU0SfWmtzkaizYDFspdTYbEnjMGThD_Vo9MBnF5ENCX3ka67BN8tCVMabrnOHaPBFK9gq6p_9FjESCtl6yYU9AM-_K8LRea0OHbtR3Q0nbx38T/s1600/PicMonkey+Collage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvkOLjqaNMjVRFnE_aP9BXpz5-Z2x8IxU0SfWmtzkaizYDFspdTYbEnjMGThD_Vo9MBnF5ENCX3ka67BN8tCVMabrnOHaPBFK9gq6p_9FjESCtl6yYU9AM-_K8LRea0OHbtR3Q0nbx38T/s640/PicMonkey+Collage.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
I started the day with my children, whether getting them ready for school or daycare or sipping a coffee on the couch while they got themselves organized for the day. I did not remind them of the significance of today, not in the morning, I wasn`t prepared to share it with them.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpYKHE3lJ3v-hJjoOrfHAaW5lKC4zuUChx98PtTiFkXPO_XcLryXpHgEyNiaK0biZ97GD-VizYfSsL5I0DERPQY3fa4u_kXabU9AwL3udD4tfSzBRJNPKBFlckLhpVaA11n02xaJDuaWVe/s1600/Flynn+Stone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpYKHE3lJ3v-hJjoOrfHAaW5lKC4zuUChx98PtTiFkXPO_XcLryXpHgEyNiaK0biZ97GD-VizYfSsL5I0DERPQY3fa4u_kXabU9AwL3udD4tfSzBRJNPKBFlckLhpVaA11n02xaJDuaWVe/s400/Flynn+Stone.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Then I was off to the floral shop where I confused a florist for ten minutes as I requested six, no seven blue orchids before changing my mind and asking for two blue, two purple, two yellow and one white orchid (one to represent each member of our family). Then came the usual argument where the florist insists on putting water picks on the sprigs and if not that then orchid food and finally if not that, at least let them wrap it in paper. I had to explain three times that the flowers were simply being placed on a gravestone and did not require any additional treatment. Finally she tied a blue ribbon and let me leave. When I arrived at the cemetery I noticed that I was one sprig short, how fitting.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFw5LkBWITpUC6PYH7uQr-SCrogUijoFpsu5vvVAK4_mg2ZE4k2KIRmOx4hxHderUBJa33y3g36p_3bYVshDB7v2YS-Bc_HQIGMkKBFsyauvppfPoElVvoh1WlgPdRfPVDY9RUu_qn3VnP/s1600/Starbucks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFw5LkBWITpUC6PYH7uQr-SCrogUijoFpsu5vvVAK4_mg2ZE4k2KIRmOx4hxHderUBJa33y3g36p_3bYVshDB7v2YS-Bc_HQIGMkKBFsyauvppfPoElVvoh1WlgPdRfPVDY9RUu_qn3VnP/s320/Starbucks.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Next, I was off to a favourite coffee spot where I could indulge in a "breakfast" of sorts and made use of free WiFi. Getting lost in the project I was researching, the sound of the shop fell away and I was left in a tranquil quiet of my own making.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxOqvz7Za8OOvnI7nY2JhVvM-wOeMY50twzCgBAqVjDRVSLsLUKVAeEehS8BIGspahOsVcbUHMpfzbpaba1Bo1SRclnvtmNVh2OsuZHOxqtuiJ-tVYxSUvLHku_QNKi8VKnLXsRblVbuBW/s1600/Susan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxOqvz7Za8OOvnI7nY2JhVvM-wOeMY50twzCgBAqVjDRVSLsLUKVAeEehS8BIGspahOsVcbUHMpfzbpaba1Bo1SRclnvtmNVh2OsuZHOxqtuiJ-tVYxSUvLHku_QNKi8VKnLXsRblVbuBW/s400/Susan.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
Lunch was spent in the company of care, nurture and friendship with a side of sushi! I never tire of talking about Flynn or the stories that surrounded our life during that time and today was no exception. Susan listened as I shared aspects of his story that she may have never heard before and I appreciated her sharing her own moments in time (past and present) where I could listen for her. We ended on a note of enthusiasm as we discussed a potential project we would like to work on together!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXetvs7EBrTPiPMUnYgXVih1dg1Fh4FtO0GK3Vf1SxFqgRKK_gbYuoxqSBhipPucZ6avqpbUoA4LWGv9ix6suqcowu2vKDwtf1UCbq-NdwYkKQaXzSUvtXtNVeNMO8vq-dGLuTZYgQ-o3s/s1600/baseball.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXetvs7EBrTPiPMUnYgXVih1dg1Fh4FtO0GK3Vf1SxFqgRKK_gbYuoxqSBhipPucZ6avqpbUoA4LWGv9ix6suqcowu2vKDwtf1UCbq-NdwYkKQaXzSUvtXtNVeNMO8vq-dGLuTZYgQ-o3s/s400/baseball.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
My afternoon was spent watching my oldest play high school baseball, something I may not have another opportunity to do, given our crazy schedules.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFLs9LvHBqwSjFPWghn7ZjatTK3AR-k8HYx0DIoHmUhK9_60vV0_vDQ3ulxNKthgYPkiyecV5T9_T1pLrkwrqKQ7Je_toatbj-nTRrpfvsICaMYsKCKk7TFi4n-T208D6BMwXC5Lqvtrf/s1600/tonya+collage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFLs9LvHBqwSjFPWghn7ZjatTK3AR-k8HYx0DIoHmUhK9_60vV0_vDQ3ulxNKthgYPkiyecV5T9_T1pLrkwrqKQ7Je_toatbj-nTRrpfvsICaMYsKCKk7TFi4n-T208D6BMwXC5Lqvtrf/s640/tonya+collage.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I ended the afternoon with a friend pedicure alongside Tonya. I want to share the message she sent me today, as it meant a great deal (as did all the loving messages I received on Facebook, Blackberry Messenger and text). It started when she asked me how the day was going and I told her that it felt like a heavy day, different than other years, this was her amazing response:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2qRXPwtNGpdfpHdDsMqCPrfnBUMWc7qii1huxYkIgiQgcwLyOJQichvxixF1vtFbaohzDi13Xw6dXWsZrICc4VQW_-9ucczCzZknNCXoS-wnyGyJNzo5qHDPNgPiRlTzQhAMA0oZxL5Iz/s1600/screenshot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2qRXPwtNGpdfpHdDsMqCPrfnBUMWc7qii1huxYkIgiQgcwLyOJQichvxixF1vtFbaohzDi13Xw6dXWsZrICc4VQW_-9ucczCzZknNCXoS-wnyGyJNzo5qHDPNgPiRlTzQhAMA0oZxL5Iz/s640/screenshot.jpg" width="360" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
My day ended in a conversation with this guy. A long time ago I called myself a <a href="http://thegriefspot.blogspot.ca/2010/03/grief-pusher.html" target="_blank">grief pusher</a>. At the time I was learning about my own grief journey but was also pursuing an education in social work. The concept of self determination and the unique and individual experience of grief was a theoretical underpinning to supportive social work practice in grief and I was taking it all to heart. I took what I was learning and applied it to my marriage; Landy deserved space and appreciation for his own grief journey and I started to give that to him. Consequently, this little label that I had created of a grief pusher had stood in my own way when it came to Flynn's anniversary. While I love and appreciate the friends that surround me, the person I most wanted to spend his anniversary with was the one person who like me understands what Flynn's death felt like. Today I told Landy how hard it is to do this day without him. I told him I want to do this day together, that is how we experienced Flynn's life and death and I hope that is how we will honour his day. It will not surprise anyone that it was met with love and kindness and an acknowledgement that next year will be different.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihCwMWFgl5eDecatVtZkn4NQepI-3yp5-wBVo3KVw3IPOEM9sY1mg_yM2CUrAyLa_nbt5lBQH2c7kw75SUmxGbJUNr2TNgLvopnNMz6ceD0F1bff_h4saBFLDEyqQDJXbIdCsF-qBL7jgz/s1600/Landy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihCwMWFgl5eDecatVtZkn4NQepI-3yp5-wBVo3KVw3IPOEM9sY1mg_yM2CUrAyLa_nbt5lBQH2c7kw75SUmxGbJUNr2TNgLvopnNMz6ceD0F1bff_h4saBFLDEyqQDJXbIdCsF-qBL7jgz/s640/Landy.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
It was a good day.Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-2823528022334799722016-05-02T20:15:00.003-04:002016-05-02T20:15:29.204-04:00A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIZdSjquz1ABwEWxzb0bk9KsaOHtzkm6W3I1WYd8k7Zmu_1PDlGpD0gZu4wNQjCjW5LTpdohmf1ghpkBWEKjEh-dCjg8ZxJC_oII7u0ic7c6tfad62XHo_5JqieU539gos4eP-4dfwUmgI/s1600/Stone-man.jpg.824x0_q85.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIZdSjquz1ABwEWxzb0bk9KsaOHtzkm6W3I1WYd8k7Zmu_1PDlGpD0gZu4wNQjCjW5LTpdohmf1ghpkBWEKjEh-dCjg8ZxJC_oII7u0ic7c6tfad62XHo_5JqieU539gos4eP-4dfwUmgI/s640/Stone-man.jpg.824x0_q85.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><small>Celeste Roberge's "Rising Cairn" sculpture in front of the Nevada Art Museum in Reno. (Photo: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/8161709@N05/4756379192">Greg Patterson</a>/Flickr)</small></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In the past month this image has crossed my social media feeds multiple times with the caption: "the weight of grief- an illustration of the physical feeling of grief." At one point, Landy's cousin thoughtfully directed the photo to me suggesting that it might fit on my blog. I thought I might tackle what this sculpture evokes for me and agree that this blog may be the perfect place to explore that.<br />
The sculpture is actually called "Raising Cairn" and the artist Celeste Roberge derived the name from the cairns of Europe, the piles of stones used to mark spots of significance whether roads, burial sites or borders. Admittedly, Roberge did not intend for the sculpture to depict the "weight of grief." In fact, that interpretation was made by therapist/counsellor, Janette Murphy, who posted this picture online with the above-mentioned caption and from there the picture went viral. When interviewed this week about the viral photo and the alignment to the experience of grief, Roberge said that she welcomes the interpretations and believes individual meaning enhances ones connection to the art.<br />
<br />
So how do I feel when I see this picture as it relates to my own grief? Well, it feels more representative of how unavailable I believed others were when I was grieving. I saw my family (our parents, siblings and extended family) grieving and pained. Like this sculpture their rocks were wrapped around their heart, protecting it from the outside world and unavailable to me. I watched as they struggled with the weight of our son's death; how could they support us, how would they make sense of our experience and reconcile how it had changed us? If we were not the same then our relationships were also transformed. People seemed immobilized in our presence or unreachable and not from any lack of effort or due to their shortcomings but because while they appeared weighed down by stones, in juxtaposition I felt hollow - we were misaligned. My stones were not stones at all but rather boulders. If I were this same wire representation I would have a boulder in my middle and one on my back and the rest of my wire shape would be hollow. The boulder in my centre ~ my despair, isolation, hopelessness, heartbreak and my grief. The one on my back ~ my guilt, shame, bitterness, and fear. If that hollow structure represented my self and my grief following Flynn's death, how could all that empty space, held to it's shape by simple wire, move those two large boulders? In truth, had I even wanted to move them?<br />
<br />
It is the eve of the anniversary of Flynn's birth and death and now I know that eventually I <i>did</i> move the boulders. Not the same boulders that accompanied that hollow shell that represented me after Flynn died, those boulders changed in shape and size and so did my ability to carry them. That hollowness is merely a hole now and not the entirety of my being. Writing about carrying boulders evokes a monologue from my favourite movie, The Rabbit Hole, and Dianne Weist's character when she talks about her grief as the brick in her pocket. That imagery resonates with me and has since I first saw the movie - maybe that is how I have changed, over the past 14 years the boulders have moved from within me to become the rocks in my pocket:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DKZKyjCbB-M/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DKZKyjCbB-M?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-457874929340400302016-04-26T14:52:00.000-04:002016-04-26T14:52:00.437-04:00The Hyper Helicoptered Kid - Part TwoThis blog has been even more of a beast to write then its predecessor, found <a href="http://thegriefspot.blogspot.ca/2016/03/the-hyper-helicopter-parent-part-one.html" target="_blank">here</a>. If I believed talking about my parenting was difficult, recognizing how it has impacted my children is well, it is heartbreaking. I tried not to be too clinical in this post, but I know at times I am - call it a coping strategy for the anxiety this post provoked (oh the irony).<br />
<br />
I don't even know really how to begin, so I will just say it - my children are anxious. This is not a mental health diagnosis, although one day that might be a reality, it is an observation of how they interact with their world. Each exhibits anxiety in varying degrees of course and it manifests itself in very different ways dependent on which kid it is, but they are very anxious kids. While I recognize that generally children are showing more indicators of anxiety and as a society we are more aware of how anxiety manifests - I cannot help but believe that as a hyper helicopter parent I have contributed to their anxiousness. This is not a self criticism (not really anyway), the reality being that I do not believe I could have been any other way after Flynn died and I have not sat idly by hoping it would correct itself either (more on that later).<br />
<br />
Speaking frankly, anxious parenting has a higher probability of leading to anxious kids. In my last post I talked about parenting from a perspective of constantly evaluating the danger of every situation my children approached and regularly saying things like "don't do that", "get off that", "you will hurt yourself" and flat out "NO." Children are not just led by what is communicated to them, they also use their intuition to understand what is expected of them. They look to their caregivers for guidance on every new experience they encounter. So not only were my children verbally hearing that most things they wanted to do was scary they likely sensed my highly anxious state and interpreted that as "I need to be on alert for the danger." Manufacture that cycle enough times and children become engaged in a continuous belief that nothing is safe and anxiety as a feeling becomes the mechanism of assessing their environment for danger.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheLeEMUkrVvv_ZiKq3-w-AmFOpdYN7V4X0EWCOx0GGy7YSRedwNUEYJfPQVdnsfLdykVrMQDxx2n7JjxQ4Mtr_dwlRblR4TTIfVXvgUqXeixOvBmHzI2thHf6lv70a3BbbI_aewVLyFsNX/s1600/1392680220098.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheLeEMUkrVvv_ZiKq3-w-AmFOpdYN7V4X0EWCOx0GGy7YSRedwNUEYJfPQVdnsfLdykVrMQDxx2n7JjxQ4Mtr_dwlRblR4TTIfVXvgUqXeixOvBmHzI2thHf6lv70a3BbbI_aewVLyFsNX/s400/1392680220098.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
You may be wondering how my children exhibit their anxiety.<br />
<br />
My oldest, who is quickly approaching 17, starts by getting quiet around the "thing" that is provoking an anxious response. Typically these are issues relating to school and relationships but if anything is off with his health, he will immediately believe it is the worst possibility he can identify. If we as parents haven't clued in to what we are not talking about he will progress to an angry reactiveness with limited ability to communicate verbally and from there he quickly escalates to rage. Once we give him time and space he generally comes to us about an upcoming test, an unfortunate report card or a sore throat and he acknowledges that he was experiencing anxiety.<br />
<br />
Our older middlest who is almost 12 is very different. He is almost constantly dealing with anxiety. For example he is always asking questions relating to safety at home, for his siblings, for our extended family and for himself. He is my parrot parent, constantly telling his siblings (yes even the older one) what they should or shouldn't do and again it generally relates to safety. He is so hyper-aroused that he has difficulty sleeping, sitting still and experiences physical pain very intensely, so he is hurt often. His emotional responses to everyday concerns are large and intense too and he often is moved to tears. He doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to assist him in getting support from the adults around him but we are working on it. Additionally we are teaching him coping strategies and validating his feelings so that we can talk them out.<br />
<br />
Interestingly our younger middlest doesn't seem to exhibit much anxiety outside of situations/scenarios that would naturally provoke an anxious response, but I have a theory on that.<br />
I said earlier that I have not sat idly by when it comes to my hyper helicopter parenting and the impact to the boys. I have sought out my own support through counselling so that I can cope with and alleviate my own anxious responses and feel more capable of parenting my children as they explore and navigate new experiences. I have educated myself on the environmental impacts of anxiety on development and how to foster resilience. Most importantly I am practicing self compassion rather then self criticism. I really believe that my younger middlest is evidence that it is working. The two older ones are going to be fine too because they have our love and support, we communicate openly and honestly with them and they have benefited greatly from the changes in my parenting that have come about through my own transformation.<br />
<br />
Now that I have gotten to the end of this blog, it wasn't so bad to say it out loud! Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-76730696381362127432016-03-16T13:45:00.000-04:002016-03-16T13:45:28.114-04:00The Hyper Helicopter Parent - Part OneI have tried to write this post a dozen times and each time I fall short or end up deleting the whole thing. I am not sure that there is anything more openly vulnerable then examining your own parenting. Without even asking for others opinions, we are often judged by strangers while we try to parent a screaming child in the grocery store or we compare ourselves to those Pinterest parents who we believe epitomize the "perfect parent" thereby minimizing our own abilities. That does not even speak to the fears that we are going to get it so wrong that some agency is going to show up at the door and document our poor parenting or worse. Parenting for me has become a practice of managing anxiety and stress so that my little people can thrive and grow.<br />
I often wonder if my parenting would have been as influenced by anxiety had Flynn not died. Of course it is almost impossible to know, my memories of parenting my oldest as an infant and toddler seem skewed or intangible, like I raised him in a dream and not anything reflecting real life. I suppose that is what grief does, it doesn't just mess with the days, weeks and months following the death it takes all the memories that occurred throughout your life and warps them until you are not sure if you can trust them. In my heart I want to believe that I was a calm, unprovoked parent with my oldest. I assume that I trusted in my abilities and allowed him to learn through exploration, testing his abilities through practice and wondering around his environment. There is a big part of me that wonders if that memory is true, is that the grief or it's residue - anxiety?<br />
When Flynn died it not only changed me as a person, it changed me as a mother. I was coping with a constant underlying anxiety - like a hum below the surface of my skin. Anything and everything could provoke it to agitation and being a mom became a series of "don't do that", "get off that", "you will hurt yourself" and flat out "NO"(when picturing this you should see me as nearing tears or screaming because that is how anxious I felt). While my fellow moms tell me that they also parent with fears and concerns for their children's safety (to which I have no doubts), I am unsure if it is indeed similar but I have no real way of knowing. This is in no way a minimization of what others experience in the parenting relationship or to say that as a bereaved parent I fair worse. What I know of parenthood comes from a place of bereavement and a perspective painted by failure. Regardless of the circumstances of my child's death, being a mother comes with one major responsibility~ keeping your child alive and my child died. So now here I am responsible for my other little ones and parenting becomes an exercise in trying to figure out whether every situation my children approach is really as dangerous or life threatening as my anxiety believes it is.<br />
A friend, who is also a bereaved parent, described her experience of parenting as the hyper helicopter parent and I really appreciated the term as it encapsulated how out of control this style of parenting FEELS. Let me break this down - Hyper by definition is an adjective to explain being overstimulated or obsessive and the Helicopter Parent has been described as the parent who is overprotective or excessive in the life of their child or children - so the Hyper Helicopter Parent is obsessively overprotective. I want to give an example of what this may look like from my own parenting but that feels a bit too vulnerable for the World Wide Web. What I can say is that once in couples therapy Landy turned to me and said that he felt like I would not let him parent because I believed that he might let our children die and that I did not trust that he would do whatever it took to keep them alive and safe. Sadly he was not wrong but what I did not say in the therapy session was that I didn't even trust myself with that responsibility and there is the Hyper Helicopter Parent at work.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFtJ6ToWPvqMqh-oXGPfPq3f20_14u-Y4ajITdWN-yejPHqZvMiaIahe4UPerUHXcN-ThBDK_iDpOtvlyqRs9GGCU5FW4V2OMIXsKcGvzSip0FxuXdx5eBhOibyS-vxplTvuBWdFVYgABz/s1600/IMG_20160315_111411.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFtJ6ToWPvqMqh-oXGPfPq3f20_14u-Y4ajITdWN-yejPHqZvMiaIahe4UPerUHXcN-ThBDK_iDpOtvlyqRs9GGCU5FW4V2OMIXsKcGvzSip0FxuXdx5eBhOibyS-vxplTvuBWdFVYgABz/s400/IMG_20160315_111411.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Watch for my next blog about the impact of the Hyper Helicopter Parent on my children.<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-12029814954070192372015-11-19T11:24:00.004-05:002015-11-19T11:24:47.455-05:00The Hard Questions*This post includes "too much information" however it is necessary to understand how the conversation came up in the first place. You have been warned.<br />
<br />
Landy had a vasectomy last week.<br />
The day before the surgery we told the boys that he would be home for a couple of days. Of course they had questions and so we explained it as openly and honestly as we could. It went something like: "Daddy and I have decided that we are not going to have anymore children and so daddy is having a very minor surgery that will ensure that we cannot get pregnant anymore." Even typing this I get uncomfortable. I braced myself for questions about how babies are made from our younger Middlest or inquires about anatomy from the older Middlest. I waited for some grossed out remark from the Oldest - but there was nothing. Naturally I breathed a sigh of relief and believed that the discussion was done; maybe not believed as much as hoped.<br />
<br />
It was the older Middlest that came to me with something that he had been contemplating since we told him about the surgery.<br />
"Mom, do you think you would have had our Baby if Flynn had not died?" He is such an introspective kid and highly sensitive too. I wanted to be honest although I wasn't really sure what the honest answer was. These are hard questions to answer, they involve the "what ifs" and we can get lost in them if we are not mindful. I wanted to respond to him but it was something that I avoided answering for myself; I did not want it to be our daughter's story (unless someday that is the story she chooses for herself) - that she existed because Flynn didn't. So I held my breath for a second and then decided not to let my anxiety shape his understanding of our family so I asked him what he thought.<br />
"I think that you would have had her too, we are all your family." Yep and thank goodness for that!<br />
<br />
A couple of days following the surgery when I was alone in the car with our younger Middlest he asked me, "so daddy cannot have anymore babies?" to which I replied "no daddy and I will not have anymore babies." It was quiet for a minute and then thoughtfully and quite seriously he said "good because I did not want to have one hundred more babies." Me Neither!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxvo6yV5wx2Ye5gmwjax6UWSj5xb1FNSH9FCwv6oi1DG0QkaWbu3XqsyMbSK7rSuXXPNxOXegZixBbUbG1K6VLPvTZ2dnN7m5-tbeDRJIIFNCQyQZf1p2R8haRUvMxWFwq-PZgvaBTOWcn/s1600/IMG_20151001_212922.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxvo6yV5wx2Ye5gmwjax6UWSj5xb1FNSH9FCwv6oi1DG0QkaWbu3XqsyMbSK7rSuXXPNxOXegZixBbUbG1K6VLPvTZ2dnN7m5-tbeDRJIIFNCQyQZf1p2R8haRUvMxWFwq-PZgvaBTOWcn/s640/IMG_20151001_212922.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-75852534027114225912015-11-18T22:27:00.001-05:002015-11-18T22:27:33.810-05:00Running For FlynnAs adults we add layers to the death and dying experience. That statement is not meant to be negative or positive, it is just my experience. When someone we love dies, as adults, we will likely go over the details on a continuous loop in our minds hoping to make sense of the death or find the meaning in the specifics. Young children don't tend to have this inclination - not in my experience. In fact, children will develop an understanding of death in its simplicity (unless guided to do otherwise) - that death means that the body and mind stop working - the heart stops beating, the lungs stop breathing, there is no hunger or feelings of pain. The body is no longer alive.<br />
<br />
When our children have wanted to know or understand about their brother, that is what we have started with - he died and biologically that meant his body stopped working and he is not alive. We have talked about and showed them pictures of him in our arms and we have taken them to the cemetery where he is buried. When they have asked how he died we have explained as simplistically and age appropriately as possible: he was born before his body was ready, he was too little and so he died. When I reflect on how we have handled their understanding that they had an infant brother who died, I think we did very well, they are well adjusted children.<br />
But there are nuances to death - the layers. The hows, whats and whys that we add as our children grow and reach developmental ages that have them asking more questions and wanting more details. With our oldest we were so keenly aware as he transitioned into a new understanding of death and asked more refined questions that we remained vigilant of the messages he received. Conversely, as his brothers have grown we have made assumptions of their understanding and maybe even believed that they would develop this awareness through the narrative that exists in our family - the hows, whats and whys. I can admit when I am wrong and this time I was wrong.<br />
For the past two years we have come face to face with the holes in the two middle boy's narrative about their brother. It started with our older middlest and the day he had the Terry Fox Run at school. He came home excited and eager to tell us how well the run had gone and then he showed us the badge he had created in remembrance for that day:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4w634i7ON7WY7Lj8jkbzA4BbDRzd-oVQK67bFgydoz6sJF1z_EnTUk8YvY0IpHkV_5TL7rufIj-v-hbwkaj6NvoI-Vt-P3ATCpNyLN6g7fDI99PowLXPabvbtrUlgF-VKoLNrltmmTQqV/s1600/ashwynbadge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4w634i7ON7WY7Lj8jkbzA4BbDRzd-oVQK67bFgydoz6sJF1z_EnTUk8YvY0IpHkV_5TL7rufIj-v-hbwkaj6NvoI-Vt-P3ATCpNyLN6g7fDI99PowLXPabvbtrUlgF-VKoLNrltmmTQqV/s320/ashwynbadge.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
To him death was death. His brother had died and so had Terry Fox. He was running because Terry Fox had died and so with that logic, he was running for a brother who died. We told him how meaningful that was and then we told him how the details were a little different - people do die with cancer but that was not how Flynn died. The Terry Fox Run was to support cancer research and so we typically run for people impacted by the disease. He shrugged his shoulders and said he still was glad he ran for Flynn. I felt like we handled it in an age appropriate and considerate manner but I will admit it was an uncomfortable conversation (it is hard to not create meaning around the details) and I was not wanting the school to have the wrong story of our son's death but also did not know how to correct it.<br />
I left it alone hoping that armed with this new information our son would change the narrative at school and perceptions (if there were any) would be corrected. Wrong Again.<br />
This year our younger middlest came home from the Terry Fox Run and guess what his badge said:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZhaA5_mORsVlLV5u_7NjGAoeiDqXGtC8hb9e2oVVRKEFlAeD-kV13mfGMPLghU_zrkuNGWEOG7BEmyzBy7MqtEB5yAk_5UmxNj6EbOKPVJPU3kDlmtw9-olgJg3dynsH-Wh4Q8xlwQpS2/s1600/kinleybadge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZhaA5_mORsVlLV5u_7NjGAoeiDqXGtC8hb9e2oVVRKEFlAeD-kV13mfGMPLghU_zrkuNGWEOG7BEmyzBy7MqtEB5yAk_5UmxNj6EbOKPVJPU3kDlmtw9-olgJg3dynsH-Wh4Q8xlwQpS2/s320/kinleybadge.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I know I have awesome children and although their story is skewed and needs some adjusting (at home and at school) it warms my heart to know how much Flynn means to this family. Now to make some calls to the school.<br /><br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-70225752624075692902015-09-26T18:37:00.000-04:002015-09-26T18:37:14.575-04:00Thank You on Our 18th Wedding AnniversayTo My Beloved,<br />
Happy Anniversary. Here we are celebrating 18 years of marriage and 20 years in a partnership of commitment and love. On this momentous day I am reminded that I have had you in my life more years then I was without you. It is a pivotal point and it encourages a shift in perspective. When I reflect on the past 20 years, the overwhelming feeling that emerges for me is gratefulness and I wanted to take the opportunity to express it. So here it goes:<br />
<br />
Thank you for creating space in our marriage for me to explore, evolve and grow; from the girl you met to the woman I am today.<br />
<br />
Thank you for wanting the same from me so that you could aspire to the goals and dreams that you had for yourself.<br />
<br />
Thank you for walking beside me, not behind and not in front.<br />
<br />
Thank you for turning in when there was anger, hurt and frustration and when it would have been much easier to turn out.<br />
<br />
Thank you for being the container and the stability when I could be nothing more then chaos and confusion.<br />
<br />
Thank you for trusting me with your vulnerability, your wounds and the scars.<br />
<br />
Thank you for challenging me when you knew what I was capable of and saw me holding back. Thank you for being my cheerleader.<br />
<br />
Thank you for letting me be wrong so that I could learn how to make it right. Thank you for letting me be right when you knew that I was wrong.<br />
<br />
Thank you for being an amazing parent to our children and an example of loyalty, compassion and love where they will build their foundations and launch from.<br />
<br />
Thank you for fostering a partnership free of judgement, competition and jealousy.<br />
<br />
Thank you for loving me day in and day out for the past 20 years.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCPGgAvVssF-9ZmxgXOvOjmE_rG_rLnLu4bYZRn8rhIcFYJQFZpCuitYsJlPqcYO3oYynSlpXVI1W8eYQ9hz_-SYWGIi0i-OX6gET27qjnL_ZpieU1Jc7f3hxaHLISzudNGKghf8jUgvE/s1600/LMRAK2011-1edt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCPGgAvVssF-9ZmxgXOvOjmE_rG_rLnLu4bYZRn8rhIcFYJQFZpCuitYsJlPqcYO3oYynSlpXVI1W8eYQ9hz_-SYWGIi0i-OX6gET27qjnL_ZpieU1Jc7f3hxaHLISzudNGKghf8jUgvE/s320/LMRAK2011-1edt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Happy Anniversary.<br />
With Love and Gratitude,<br />
MeMillylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-28913661322060652622015-08-10T22:19:00.002-04:002015-08-10T22:19:12.375-04:00Wish You Were HereAs a bereaved parent who has lived without my child for over a decade, coping with grief or navigating bereavement is not a daily experience. Most of the time my days are as "normal" as a non-bereaved parent - changing diapers and breastfeeding, negotiating with a seven year-old and mediating tween and teenage angst. At times all of this parenting is done with the recognition that I am doing it in the absence of one of my children but it is a brief moment that flashes through that particular moment in motherhood and I continue on.<br />
<br />
What I discovered this past April however is that my brevity in daily grief is not the same while on family vacation. After years of promising it, we finally took the children on a family adventure to Florida and to Walt Disney World. While we watched our boys (the baby still way to young) enjoy the rides, shows and daily dips in the pool; I was reminded moment to moment who we were missing. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVXOi86axq5k-QVGglsC2jox3S4hB_xOuDSbAEEFd1CSPqFudLNSrjSDkL3zW1RoPnjaTRWJDbABoT6F49wamRMxYHm6jIEyMfkI5608juhxzFey4ssrpQjT0Jzvy5_a7gTLVolW3gMMYq/s1600/Florida+blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVXOi86axq5k-QVGglsC2jox3S4hB_xOuDSbAEEFd1CSPqFudLNSrjSDkL3zW1RoPnjaTRWJDbABoT6F49wamRMxYHm6jIEyMfkI5608juhxzFey4ssrpQjT0Jzvy5_a7gTLVolW3gMMYq/s400/Florida+blog.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I think vacations have always been a little more difficult for us. This time the intensity of it was palpable and I wondered what was different? Was it the first time flying as a family that added to some inner anxiety and touched on the grief bringing it to the surface? Did leaving the country play on some unconscious belief that we were leaving his presence and all representations of him at home? With the birth of our daughter our family was <i>complete</i>, did this new dynamic shift our bereavement and our inability to parent the family that was born to us? I truly do not know what factors contributed to me missing Flynn while we were in the happiest place in the world, but I know that for me all I could think while we were away was "wish you were here." <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwyR0AL4VfUopjhCZJizV7Rs708mJm2p_A9bp4lvphqgbdrNxilecjJtzmgyZWg1XdXwZk6jg44W76QH4cglvsh6uWijzu7QibhomUeF1TbQ69rTKGyHr8FPBM4zgTKXzbXBxajskiqqqf/s1600/floridadisney.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwyR0AL4VfUopjhCZJizV7Rs708mJm2p_A9bp4lvphqgbdrNxilecjJtzmgyZWg1XdXwZk6jg44W76QH4cglvsh6uWijzu7QibhomUeF1TbQ69rTKGyHr8FPBM4zgTKXzbXBxajskiqqqf/s320/floridadisney.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
While grief is mostly cast in the light of sadness, depression or despair there are also moments of light, comfort and joy. Just as my daily musings were turning to thoughts of sadness at missing Flynn and feeling his absence, there was a moment at the end of the day at Disney that reminded me that if I wanted Flynn's essence to be with us I need only to wish it. My friend took this picture of the baby over my shoulder (the shoulder that has the tattoo of Flynn's butterfly) and when I saw it with the light shining on us, I knew we were not really without him and silently I said "thank you for being here."<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdYta9gZXBSWhYHsIBdIPjWYMyYhWFCXQioGtb1xpY0SgnZL8M-msvaM2xu6AJnPC08MPgM8UYn57KHISVNo3WB6COszOXLk1mCs8OgfPyZglw6UTAv7OO5UMLvoRfeG839FjVSkpJgD9D/s1600/floridathannks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdYta9gZXBSWhYHsIBdIPjWYMyYhWFCXQioGtb1xpY0SgnZL8M-msvaM2xu6AJnPC08MPgM8UYn57KHISVNo3WB6COszOXLk1mCs8OgfPyZglw6UTAv7OO5UMLvoRfeG839FjVSkpJgD9D/s320/floridathannks.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Just three days after this picture was taken we sat in our home on what was the thirteenth anniversary of his birth and death and remembered Flynn and the family we have today.<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-56878340809778045952015-02-19T14:12:00.000-05:002015-02-19T14:12:35.898-05:00Letting Go of Guilt - Easier said than DoneMother's Guilt. It seems that I have been reading articles pertaining to this topic a great deal lately; mostly because they keep crossing my Facebook page having been posted by my girlfriends or a magazine I subscribe to. While the social worker in me is inclined to call it Parent's Guilt, I am not sure how true that is. Landy often tells me that he does not feel the guilt about his parenting that I seem to flog myself with. He also tells me that he does not hold himself up to unrealistic expectations about being a father or compare himself to other dads. So maybe it is a mother's guilt then and this post is my most recent experience with it and the grief that would be it's accomplice.<br />
<br />
I have often wondered how grief has impacted mother's guilt, feeling that perhaps there is an added layer of expectation or standards that we as bereaved mothers hold. After all, we should feel that much more blessed to have what we have and be that much more patient, calm, and understanding with our living children. If we have an imperfect moment (as defined by us and usually an average moment for most) then we are not truly appreciating what we have and don't have and therefore invalidating the life of the baby or child that has died. Yep that is pretty much what the guilty cycle of a bereaved mother's brain can look like, especially when vulnerable (emotional, tired, triggered, etc.).<br />
<br />
Here is my account of how this amplified guilt played out on my emotional well being this past week ~ the week we anticipated the birth of our daughter.<br />
<br />
As part of my pregnancy and on the advice of my Obstetrician, I was going to be induced after I reached 38 weeks gestation. My doctor made the recommendation, it was not my request and he told me
that his concern was for both baby and myself therefore an induction was
warranted. I knew there were a number of reasons for this recommendation, some of which included maternal anxiety, stress on baby and the previous death of Flynn however it was something that I had to reconcile as I idealized my ability to have a "normal" pregnancy. This would be the first place that my mother's guilt manifested. What is a normal pregnancy and why did I feel the need to push myself (physically and emotionally) to experience that? I recognize now that I wanted to prove that I could physically carry a baby without any medical concerns and emotionally handle that experience - almost a re-birthing of my pregnancy experience with our Oldest. That is why I told my doctor early on that I would go to 40 weeks gestation and I would not be induced. That is after all what "normal" pregnant women do. He kindly nodded at that time and said "as you wish" but I am sure he knew that the conversation itself was premature.<br />
<br />
When I reached 32 weeks gestation my emotional well being began to deteriorate. I had been working three jobs, volunteering, coping with an illness in the family in addition to my usual roles of being a mom and partner. Moreover, I was not eliciting as much self care as was warranted for all that I was taking on or working with. Yet another place that the guilt could be found; all the things that I should be able to do regardless of being in a subsequent pregnancy. The difficulty with managing the guilt was that it was not only emotionally driven but financially (and there is not much room to say that out loud). It may have made more sense to cut back on work but we had bills to pay and the financial strain of not working may have caused more guilt then pushing through, it is hard to say for sure. At any rate at 32 weeks into my pregnancy my doctor asked "how are <i>you</i> doing?" ~such a simple question~ and it opened the flood gates. I realized in the moments following that question that I had not even allowed myself to be anything other than "ok." I was walking around in a holding pattern of professionalism and stoicism even in my everyday life while deep down my emotional self was suffering with the weight of anxiety, fear and guilt that this subsequent pregnancy had brought. I turned to my doctor and for the first time said out loud "I am not okay" to which he responded "I know and that is okay."<br />
<br />
The next six weeks would be a roller coaster of appreciating how I was feeling and working at letting go of the guilt as it arose. It was a constant process. I would let go of the fact that I was not okay and it would lead me to feelings about medical intervention in pregnancy and trusting my body. The guilt would then manifest in the reality that as a subsequent pregnancy I did not trust my body, it had let me down in a very profound way in the past. I held the impact that knowledge had on trying to just be in the present moment and not catastrophize or project into the future some unknown reality. I would have to let go of the fear and anxiety on a daily basis that this pregnancy could end in tragedy, taking it moment by moment some days. I quietly apologized to my unborn child for not having more faith in myself and in her. I struggled with thoughts of my own self worth in relation to having and holding a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy. Really, what did my self worth have to do with my ability to carry and deliver a healthy baby? Nothing and yet it was there. Let go, Let go, Let go.<br />
<br />
Then came the week I had been counting down to. The 38th week. The baby was considered full term and deliverable. We had done all the early testing to ensure that the dates were correct. We had done ultrasounds and non stress tests to ensure the baby was "ready." Here it was, time had finally gotten us here and I was struck with enormous guilt ~ so big that it seemed to fill my chest cavity making it hard to breath and constricting every beat of my heart. This was worsened when my doctor told me at my last appointment that my cervix was not dilated or effaced and we would have to do an additional procedure to help that along. GUILT! I sat between the suffering of every day believing that this baby would die or that my body would fail her to knowing that I was intervening with my body's natural state to have her here alive. This could be worsened by well meaning people, people who loved me asking "why are you inducing?" or "why can't you go to term?" or nursing staff in labour and delivery asking "why are you having a non stress test again?"and "why did your doctor order this test?" And even if all these questions were free of judgement and based out of simple curiousity all I heard was "Why can't you cope with this?" "What is wrong with you?" <br />
<br />
I cried a great deal over the next 24 hours leading up to the beginning of the induction. I wondered if I should just try to "suck it up" for one more week in the hopes that my body would figure it all out. I treated my body and mind as though they were separate entities and not part of a whole and it created such a depth to the guilt that it was all that I could feel. "What if......" started every thought I had and tragedy ended all of them. All of the thoughts were based around my decisions as this babe's mother and all of the societal, cultural and even medical expectations that I believed I had to live up to. Of course these expectations were based in healthy, normal pregnancies and not applied to the experience of a subsequent pregnancy ~ but as stated I was not holding myself to reality but rather to an idealization of normal. I realized that I needed help and so I reached out to my support network. I talked about my guilt and my fears and my anxiety. I opened myself up to those that I knew could support me and help me to focus and find the thoughts and realities that were helpful not hindering. I acknowledged the guilt but also found the counterbalance, the successes and the coping mechanisms that existed within me. Let Go!<br />
<br />
On the day of the induction I told myself just two things: "You are worthy of love" and "Only you know what is best for you." I just repeated this in my head and sometimes out loud. I repeated it through the tears, the fear and the anxiety. I repeated it when the nurse asked "why are you being induced?" in a tone that even Landy noticed. Every once and awhile I added "I want my daughter to live with these mantras as a way of being rather then the exceptional thought she has to tell herself," I wanted to be her example and that was motivating. I just kept letting go of the guilt. Labour and delivery was not perfect it was what it needed to be and I am amazed at how freeing that thought has been. It is not riddled with guilt and in fact it does not even exist in the experience. If at some point the guilt arises, I will have to let go. After all, the guilt is weaved into my existence and has been there from the beginning, however in the past I had let it define me and this time I allowed myself to step out from under it and Let Go.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHQAd3LIUMGFDamtVJolwn60_BnANJedZZQMLm4ZMo3n9Zh_4WkjzhlhepDBeTPnqsWcFpGIzdsjgh6wvYVlPkHxAoNklUi6TkBgXbT1FNeTpmpHAzZ8feydAIdDFk54JgXPBdUUQ1c9A6/s1600/HadlynHands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHQAd3LIUMGFDamtVJolwn60_BnANJedZZQMLm4ZMo3n9Zh_4WkjzhlhepDBeTPnqsWcFpGIzdsjgh6wvYVlPkHxAoNklUi6TkBgXbT1FNeTpmpHAzZ8feydAIdDFk54JgXPBdUUQ1c9A6/s1600/HadlynHands.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-5019158074250408482015-02-06T04:44:00.001-05:002015-02-06T15:24:36.190-05:00Interview with a Bereaved Dad - Part TwoAs promised here is the second and concluding half of my interview with my partner, Landy on being a bereaved dad. As stated on the last blog, this is just one bereaved dad's account of his grief and is not in anyway meant to represent every bereaved dad's experience.<br />
<br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0cm;
mso-para-margin-right:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0cm;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: You mentioned the other deaths you have experienced and so
my next question is: how did the experience of your dad dying, when you were 11
(15 years before Flynn died) impact your grief and how you grieved our son?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I had experience with
grief because it was not only my father who had died, there were also my two grandfathers before
that who I had really close relationships with. My father was the first of the
trifecta of parents dying in my life and I was young. It was a very traumatic
experience on many levels both with how it happened and when it happened and
where it happened coupled with my age, being only 11 years old. I was aware of
what it meant to have a father and what it meant to have someone permanently
gone from your life but I now know that I also didn’t fully grasp the impact of
not having my father in my life any longer. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can say now that the grief felt similar if
I put the two moments together of my dad dying and my son dying. In those early
moments anyway, they felt very similar to me. It was uncharted territory, very
raw and I did not know what I was going to do next. I knew everything was going
to change I just did not know how.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
my father died that was obviously the first major trauma that I can recall in
my life, the second major trauma would be Flynn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prior to my son dying there were my two
grandfathers who died and their deaths were like (and this will sound
callous) but grief refreshers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved
both of my grandfathers; their deaths were not as much of a trauma as a
disappointment – at the time I wished that I could have them around
longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When they died I understood the
inevitability of life, death and that their lives were going to end. I think I
felt that it should not have happened as quickly or as early in their lives as
it did but they were not young, they were grandparents, I mean they were at an
age where we begin to expect that people may die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their deaths reminded me again that we lose
people in our lives and we are capable of remembering them, what they added to
our lives and what they contributed to other people’s lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We carry them on in our own lives, reflecting
on them and who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess as a
result of experiencing those three deaths prior to Flynn, I felt less shocked
by what life was going to hold for me and was only shocked by the fact that now
I had lost my son, who I did not know and who I would not see grow up and
become someone more. It was like a cushion in my grief.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Flynn died 12 years ago, from then until now are there still
differences in how you and I grieve? How have you seen me change in terms of my
grief and how would you say you have changed?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I have never really
reflected on how I have changed in my grief. I am comfortable with my grief
because I don’t feel like I have been “infected” by grief. That is to say, I
don’t feel like grief is trying to tear me apart or pull me down. It is
something that I have and live with and sometimes it is a little thicker than
other days but typically it is quite tolerable and it is just sort of always
there but not part of my consciousness. As far as you are concerned, if I had
to guess or lay my observation on it, it is much thicker in you, it is always
part of who you are and your day to day actions. There probably aren’t too many
days that go by where you don’t react or act in a way that isn’t in some way
impacted by your grief from Flynn – like directly related to Flynn. The career
path you have chosen was definitely the influence of our son’s death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Almost your every way of life has been
affected by grief in some form or another, mostly positive ways but very much a
part of your being.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: How does Flynn’s anniversary affect you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: It usually affects me
because it affects you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have occasionally
experienced Flynn’s anniversary as an absence of “something.” The absence of
what should have been. A lot of times I experience it as an embarrassment
because I did not think about it until I realized it was upon us or it had
passed. There are times that you are acting or reacting in a way that is very
deeply affected, maybe depressed, very saddened by the day and I am going “oh
that is right, that is what today is” or “oh ya, that is what tomorrow is” or
even worse “oh right that was what yesterday was.” The impact of that experience
is embarrassment or shame and I question why I don’t remember or why isn’t this
more of a significant remembrance for me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When that happens I find myself falling back on my other grief
experiences and I think “well I don’t really have ear-markers to my grief days
they are just always there.” I think about my father, my grandfathers and my
son frequently and infrequently – I mean, whenever but not at specific points
in the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to remind myself that
it is okay to not worry about those milestones because I allow their memory and
my grief to come into my life when I need it to.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Do you have ways that you remember Flynn or things that
remind you of him?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: Our children, they
are probably the main way that I remember Flynn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see the potential of who he could have been
in them. I frequently reflect on what he would have looked like while looking
at our three boys. That is pretty much it. Sometimes, like I said before, I see
a boy that would be Flynn’s age and I think about that.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: In your opinion how has the death of our son impacted our
marriage? Good, bad, ugly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I think we have
experienced all three at different points in time. Good in the ways that it has
made us emotionally reflect on each other. We have dredged up things that maybe
we didn’t want to or maybe we wouldn’t have and have worked through them. We
have had to fight through some really difficult times and stuck together. I
think it has made us realize the depths of what it means to be partners through
horrible, horrible things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is also
the bad, because we did have to navigate a bunch of crappy things and we were
forced to face them in our marriage and in ourselves and that was not pleasant.
I think as a result of our grief we did a lot of things to each other and
against each other that maybe other couples would not experience in their
marriages. Yet here we are on the other side of it. That is really the good,
the bad and the ugly.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: How has the death of your son impacted who you have become?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I know you might
laugh at this but it has made me a more compassionate individual coupled with
who you have become as a counsellor and as an experienced griever and the
friends and people we now surround ourselves with. It has made me more aware of
compassion and how to enact it with others.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Last question. We are expecting again and I am wondering,
what (if any) is the impact of a subsequent pregnancy on a bereaved dad?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: At this point, not
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I very rarely think about grief
when I think about this next baby but we are also two pregnancies since Flynn’s
death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do recall when we were pregnant
with our Middlest being very afraid and very protective of the thought that
everything is going to be okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
remember distinctly reminding myself that it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">had</i> to be okay and I got to the point of denying any thought that
something could go wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember you
being worried just the way the whole thing spun out of control in the end (of
the pregnancy). I was just trying to not allow that thought, that he could die,
to even enter my consciousness. With our Littlest, a lot of stuff had happened
in our lives – so there was less denial then there was in the other pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still I was very conscious of not wanting to
think negative thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess I am
still there, I don’t want to think about what could go wrong or that things
could be bad or that we could experience that again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just know that is not who I want to
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do have moments where I feel
stress or am acting odd and maybe it is how I am coping with this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think you are always affected by the death
of your child in subsequent pregnancies, it manifests in different ways.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Is there anything that I did not ask you or that you think
you would want someone to know about what it has meant for you to be a bereaved
dad?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: Not that I am one for
advice as I am definitely not a role model but I would say just allow yourself
to grieve any which way that you see fit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To be as open and honest with your partner as you can when it comes to
your grief – from the perspective that it is difficult to understand how you
are acting when you are grieving and it can be a way to reflect on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may help you to get ahead of emotions before
they are impacting someone else. Ultimately we are all grieving; we are all
reacting spontaneously to what is happening in our lives and as a partner to
someone who is grieving just realize there may be a lot of “figurative” punches
thrown and they do not necessarily represent the core of that individual. It may also indicate that there is a need for outside support (like counseling) and that is okay too. What
I have come to realize is the hurt may be something trying to work its way out and in
doing that it is beginning the healing. </b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvDTwZ0ObBTsOw_SU5EJZCvPJFgTgnPGOpj2cFT3w_2j_g9YKveelPrkWAJHTxDAJZEO-XN3i3seDn3HI78cv7O1deTXr3WQms3h94Aqje2Pw6JCXI5UoDL1NBQ19T2YuJ-d36dbA_PybZ/s1600/10926204_904872616211144_3560519025590939829_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvDTwZ0ObBTsOw_SU5EJZCvPJFgTgnPGOpj2cFT3w_2j_g9YKveelPrkWAJHTxDAJZEO-XN3i3seDn3HI78cv7O1deTXr3WQms3h94Aqje2Pw6JCXI5UoDL1NBQ19T2YuJ-d36dbA_PybZ/s1600/10926204_904872616211144_3560519025590939829_n.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-56303305640421691922015-02-04T11:01:00.000-05:002015-02-04T11:01:19.340-05:00Interview with a Bereaved Dad - Part OneI feel so honoured and lucky to have had the opportunity to sit down and interview my partner on his experience with grief and the death of our son. This blog has been about my journey and at times has included my family but I felt it was time for me to hear his perspective as I realized I had never really asked him. The interview lasted over 30 minutes and it was filled with honesty, love and respect. I have decided to break it up into two blogs so it is more digestible. Obviously this in not every bereaved dad's experience with grief and death, it is simply his individual and unique understanding.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_bRQZnLG_6lreW4y899oHbD3s8igc-u_9yi6ZrgMSUD_hElnlf9A_wp-hfwLUMqj8b4qeRrtxZzjwVBIlzIxaMKqiRf0ZDF6YjhDc5PJvZOGwZOharSZ3yFlKaF1g5lGE55vhBFVQ369b/s1600/Lambert.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_bRQZnLG_6lreW4y899oHbD3s8igc-u_9yi6ZrgMSUD_hElnlf9A_wp-hfwLUMqj8b4qeRrtxZzjwVBIlzIxaMKqiRf0ZDF6YjhDc5PJvZOGwZOharSZ3yFlKaF1g5lGE55vhBFVQ369b/s1600/Lambert.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0cm;
mso-para-margin-right:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0cm;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: So recently you and I were talking and you made a statement
that you didn’t think that you <i>did</i> grief like me. What do you think that you
meant when you made that comment?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I would say that when
it comes to grief you are more emotional than I am. I tend to be more…
introverted I guess would be the word. I grieve by preoccupying myself or my
emotions come out differently. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
noticed that I don’t grieve [pause] or when I come to the realization that I
have been in a mood, the actual realization of that mood is not grief, its
frustration or anger or what’s a better word for it? Like distance or the lack
of emotion. Yet that mood is really the product of grief. I think I have always
been this way; from when the grief was fresh to now. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I think when the
grief was fresh I tended to be more, and I am sure you could probably be
witness to this too, but I tended to use sort of like an avoidance tactic. I
would not hit grief head-on and I would try to avoid it by working more or
toiling more or whatever it happened to be. I used some other way of keeping
occupied rather than letting the grief sink in. When I do realize [and maybe I
am answering another question] that I am grieving I find that I think
that I can handle it. If I realize that I am actually depressed or sad about
something that I miss, I feel like I am actually able to deal with that emotion
and resolve it better – not that there is necessarily a resolution to it but I
am able to correct the behaviours attributed to the feelings. It does take me a
while to realize that is what is creating those behaviours.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: What behaviour would manifest in terms of grief, what do you
think it looks like to someone on the outside or to me?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: Usually, and I am
still struggling with the right word for it, but distraction. You would find
that I get very busy with multiple different tasks at any particular point in
time, none of them having any real meaning but just keeping me busy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am trying to avoid any sort of settling of emotion
whatsoever. That or straight up numbness, like void of emotion all together,
coupled with the fact that I am busy or trying to keep myself busy with
remedial or even meaningful tasks but keeping myself busy in general.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: What do you remember of Flynn’s birth and death? And do you
think we remember or treasure it differently?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: What I remember about
that pregnancy and delivery was a very long drawn out sort of traumatic wind
up. His death felt anti-climactic because we knew what the result was going to
be, I am speaking for myself - I knew what the result was going to be.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Okay</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I knew it was not going
to be good. I didn’t know what was going to happen, if we were going to hold
our son for an hour, a day, two days or a week. Part of me even remembers
wondering what it would have been like to have him for the rest of our lives
maybe with a reduced quality of life – that was rolling around in my head. I do
remember – well- okay, there was the confusion of the hospital and the
confusion of all the choices that were being asked of us at that particular
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Choices that I did not feel
prepared for in any way at all, but felt that I needed to be. I needed to make
the choices, not necessarily that I was ready to make them. I remember it
happening very quickly, I don’t have a slow recall of that whole event – to me
it seemed like it was a one day incident. Even that one day felt like it was
packed into a 20 minute moment; it just went from 0-60 really quick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Flynn was born, I remember holding onto
him while you were whisked out of the room and I remember him dying in my arms
or at least I am pretty sure that is what I recall, but I think that you recall
having him die in your arms?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: No, I wasn’t there when he died.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: Ya, so that was
probably correct. Anyway, he died with little breaths, very, very small – I
remember that. I remember how tiny he was and I think our parents were there,
well I know they were there but I can’t remember if they were in the room or
not, so that memory is skewed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a
very blurry time; I don’t think I was very observant of anything else that was
going on at that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed like
there was a clock ticking very, very quickly – I do remember that sensation,
this feeling of wanting to make it last longer but being very aware that there
wasn’t going to be time. After Flynn had died and you were back from the
surgery, the memory that I have is of us both feeling the weight of the reality
that we now had a dead child. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
know if I have ever really allowed that reality to come to any sort of fruition. Like where I have had other people die in my life, I have had the life to weigh
against their death. With Flynn, I had about 45 minutes to weigh against his
death. I have had a continued internal struggle with myself, trying to remember
him being alive and breathing in my hands to him not breathing in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i> hands – which one was real?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also struggle with the reality of what I am
grieving over; am I grieving the loss of his life or am I grieving the loss of his
future?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I don’t often sit and
think about who Flynn would be or could have been or should have been. Whenever
I stumble across those moments in life where I picture the little brother to our
Oldest, that missing boy who fits in between the Oldest and Middlest, usually
it is when I see somebody else’s child who would be his age or two siblings of
some other family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is those moments
that I go “ya it would be pretty neat if he was here.” That’s when I realize we
are missing something; which spills into more grief because I get angry with
myself for not having those thoughts all the time especially when coupled by
you, who seems to have them almost consistently. So I feel inferior in grief a
lot of times, I feel like I should grieve more which frustrates me. It doesn’t
necessarily anger me but it frustrates me because I wonder if I am shallow or even
hollow. Again I believe that is how I experience grief. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if I do it through necessity or
because I try not to wallow in grief or if I am just incapable of whole-hearted
absorption into grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I have
moments that I do grieve but I am not a consistent griever.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Do you think that there were different societal or familial
expectations of grief in our roles – mom vs. dad?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: Yes I think there
were definite societal roles or expectations on our grief as identified by male
or female, husband and wife, mother or father. I think we lived out those roles
too, other then maybe in the beginning where you didn’t express your grief very
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was three or four months before
you really started to fall apart with grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Directly after Flynn died you embodied more of a male role (by societal standards).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where our families were falling apart or
upset, you tried to be stiff and strong. I think the societal message to us as
men is that we are not supposed to fall apart, we are supposed to keep it
together, and we are supposed to keep the family moving forward and stay
strong. Honestly for the most part that is probably what I am better at doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t mean I need to do it all the time
or that I feel the necessity to do it, I often feel hindered by it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I for some reason want to break down or be
upset or even see another male in my life who happens to be upset and trying to
hide it, that is when I usually feel frustrated by our societal views or
judgements that say we shouldn’t or that it is weakness. It is a pity that we
have these societal roles.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: So what don’t I know about your grief journey following the
death of our son?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: I don’t think there
is anything hidden with my grief journey, really what it comes down to is I am
masking it from myself. Like I said before, I tend to not realize that I am
acting out in grief until I actually come to that realization that “oh, ya that
is why I am upset.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something triggers
the thought process, cluing me into what the source of the feeling is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I start putting together all the pieces,
“oh ya that is why I was such a grouch; that is why I was a jerk this day; that
is why I have been avoiding that task or that thing.”</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #351c75;">Me: I regularly identify myself as a bereaved parent, which is
also something that you alluded to in previous responses here. We have had
discussions around this, where you have said that you do not necessarily
identify yourself as a bereaved parent, do you want to elaborate on that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Landy: It is not that I don’t
see myself as a bereaved parent but I don’t see myself as a flagship bereaved
parent. That is not how I identify myself. I think my scars are what make me as
an individual but I don’t introduce myself as, and obviously bereaved parents
don’t necessarily introduce themselves as such, but I think for some people
that is what they are and everything else is secondary to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am who I am and secondary to that would be
the grief that I have endured in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not just our son but all the other deaths along the way.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">To be continued.....</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-33749352437813898392014-10-26T22:00:00.000-04:002014-10-26T22:00:09.886-04:00Twenty Two and Six<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-I0VPUdGVwHscgxmLqSp4VNRjklWEfQzBKNkg1Lvd1YWuTL7shSmwSHwQwMzdcQBMWTj_et_BGv0EUb694g2jPafiMzQChfC2XmLgSR_ljuLh1MPoTd0jpiH9SmCoB2SNWjzi0wXhnIs/s1600/1480634_10154743309870554_5829675076119428794_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-I0VPUdGVwHscgxmLqSp4VNRjklWEfQzBKNkg1Lvd1YWuTL7shSmwSHwQwMzdcQBMWTj_et_BGv0EUb694g2jPafiMzQChfC2XmLgSR_ljuLh1MPoTd0jpiH9SmCoB2SNWjzi0wXhnIs/s1600/1480634_10154743309870554_5829675076119428794_n.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<i>I must admit that sometimes I feel like I observe my life as though it were some kind of social experiment. This pregnancy and the way it has been received has been no exception to my observations</i> <i>but more on that later. </i><br />
<br />
In a subsequent pregnancy (a term used in my bereaved circles to describe any pregnancy following the death of an infant or child), there tends to be a multitude of messages about grief. Many times a new pregnancy is met with sentiments that <b><i>now</i></b> the bereaved parent can be joyful, move on or stop grieving. In reality a subsequent pregnancy may be filled with anxiety, fear and even despair. For me, I remember finding out that we were pregnant with our middlest, 16 months after Flynn had died and after fertility interventions, and my first reaction was "oh shit, what have we done!" I was absolutely terrified of everything a pregnancy could mean and I did not want to experience the death of a baby again. I wasn't even sure that there was any other possibility for us. Moreover, where could I even say that out loud?? Everyone around us wanted us to have the joy of another child and although I knew their intentions were built from love and care, at times it felt like that desire came at the expense of Flynn's memory or the grief that would continue in my life as the result of being Flynn's mom. <br />
As a way to cope with my anxiety during the pregnancy of my middlest I discussed funeral plans with my therapist and what we would do differently in the event that he died instead of coming home with us. I had more ultrasounds then I care to remember and although the notion to have less would seem to make sense; between doctors appointments I would become convinced that the baby had died in utero and it was just a matter of time before some medical professional would be breaking the news to me. While many suggested that I try to be rational about the pregnancy and it's likely positive outcome, it was not a helpful way to manage my stress. Experiencing the death of an infant had taught me that not only was I not invincible but much of what I experienced as <i><b>my</b></i> life was beyond my control; including my own pregnancy. It would take us weeks after our middlest was born to believe that we were living in reality and not a dream and we would regularly discuss our belief that he might not be real.<br />
Of course that was ten years ago and I would like to say that it gets easier with each subsequent pregnancy but what I have come to find is there are new challenges that stir the anxiety or create fear. While that may be a case for not having subsequent pregnancies, being a parent and watching your family and children grow is such a gift it tends to overpower the fear in the end.<br />
<br />
So Twenty Two and Six. That is today. Today I am twenty-two weeks and six days pregnant with our fifth child and my third subsequent pregnancy. It is of significance because as in my other two subsequent pregnancies this is a day I did not see carrying Flynn. He was born at twenty-two weeks and five days and there was not a Twenty Two and Six. As in the other pregnancies, I have held my breath and wished for my body to do what it is supposed to do as I have whispered to my child to please stay with me so that I could meet them, alive and crying on their Birth Day.<br />
<br />
As for my observations in this pregnancy ~ it has been hard to be met with questions of my intelligence/mental health surrounding my choice to have another pregnancy and child. Although my anxiety and fears are tough at times, I am so aware of the blessings each of my children have given me and feel so privileged to have this opportunity one more time. It is not a matter of my intelligence, it is a matter of love.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first
step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two
things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon
or you will be taught to fly.”
<br /> ~Patrick Overton</span><i>
</i>Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-59673343042779323422014-09-26T07:37:00.001-04:002014-09-26T07:37:25.653-04:00Another Anniversary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPnpRSRUOJxUYuVMjmeg2-epcj1wbBDxTfAmb-g-zI2dH0GkCBqRCvjfxsoMSVd3idmzsofbo4d5pKPblkOl0lrtpFyozBUzQc6lU74k5lX_lnL0dy6SsHUvCpY61qYClhpHBaL_pG3RK6/s1600/melandland11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPnpRSRUOJxUYuVMjmeg2-epcj1wbBDxTfAmb-g-zI2dH0GkCBqRCvjfxsoMSVd3idmzsofbo4d5pKPblkOl0lrtpFyozBUzQc6lU74k5lX_lnL0dy6SsHUvCpY61qYClhpHBaL_pG3RK6/s1600/melandland11.jpg" height="320" width="316" /></a></div>
Another year, another anniversary. How lucky are we to have one another? Of course I can only speak for myself but I think you are pretty lucky to have me!<br />
Seventeen years equals a multitude of life transitions, such as: Our four apartments (I am calling your parent's basement an apartment) before we transitioned into owning, then it became three houses; five vehicles (not including work vehicles but definitely including that stupid Grand Am). We have survived one another's education - you finished your trade certificate and I finished my culinary apprenticeship, hairstyling school, my undergraduate degree and my Master's (and you call yourself a Jack of All Trades). There have been changes in our jobs, you have had two different jobs but with a multitude of success that has led you to a career that you love and ummmmmmmm there have been a couple different jobs for me BUT who is counting (just my parents). There have been fur babies, whom we tested our parental skills on, loving them and of course finding the strength to let them go. Lastly but of the greatest value, there are the boys. Four beautiful children. They have been the most amazing teachers of love, patience, resilience and of loss. Now in our seventeenth year of marriage we will become parents again, an amazing gift and another adventure.<br />
Seventeen Years married to you. So many joys and adventures, some heartbreaks and sadness but when I reflect back on Seventeen Years, for me it can only equal one thing, Love. <br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-39402020435328270372014-09-11T15:30:00.001-04:002014-09-11T15:30:12.671-04:00Confronted with A Different ApproachYesterday I attended a specialist appointment. Like many specialist appointments they took a very thorough medical history. First a nurse met with me and did an overview of my health history and got my vitals and then a doctor reviewed and expanded upon the initial assessment. In the course of the interview I experienced the medical model in its belief and approach to neonatal death and I had to share it here because all too often bereaved parents are faced with similar ignorance (not necessarily in the medical field, it can happen everywhere).<br />
So this was not the way that I was going to come out with this news but to understand this blog, it is relevant to the dialogue. I am pregnant! Surprise for many. We are so excited and terrified (but that is another blog).<br />
So this was the initial conversation with the nurse:<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;">Nurse: So is this your first pregnancy?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;">Me: No, it is my fifth.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;">Nurse: FIFTH! Wow, good for you with all those children at home.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Me:This is my fifth pregnancy and I have three children at home, our second son died.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;">Nurse: Oh, I am sorry.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: black;">The rest of the interview pertained to my health. When I met with the doctor, her bias was much more evident.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Doctor</span></span></span></span></span>: <span style="color: #cc0000;">Has this been a healthy pregnancy?</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Me: Yes, but I have had abruptions in three of my pregnancies. My second son was born at 23 weeks and died shortly after.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Doctor: OH, so is that the child that you told my nurse had died?</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">Me: Yes</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Doctor: Well <i>it</i></span> </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">was not viable at 23 weeks.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Me: We understood that at the time and we made the tough decision to have him in our community so that we could hold him and keep him until he died.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Doctor: Well I met a child who was born at 26 weeks the other day and they were not healthy.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Me: um.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Doctor: So why would you think it was a good idea to have another child with Chronic Fatigue?</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">Obviously, the doctor had her opinions which she felt very comfortable expressing. Under some circumstances I do feel very comfortable educating people as I believe that most ignorance is a lack of knowledge (most not all). In this case her viewpoint was complicated by layers of beliefs that I did not have the time or energy to engage with. At the end of the day the person who I need to be comfortable with is me and out of respect and honour to my relationship to my partner as well.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">We are looking forward to 2015 when a new Lambert will enter our family where Flynn is remembered and honoured as the valuable Lambert <i><b>he is</b></i>. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCA7FvuqDJo3qZSxBG_dVJG2OE8QrKitb5qo7qL1uSWCNRLJXgdirqDqCNfi9NnrzcA1iFpOXQLyHqpZ0QuVtYVU03yLVsMvYM-F4BMl7_HI0u4vGNzPziytZB1O72vucShTDQXh2SlrQl/s1600/20140907_172602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCA7FvuqDJo3qZSxBG_dVJG2OE8QrKitb5qo7qL1uSWCNRLJXgdirqDqCNfi9NnrzcA1iFpOXQLyHqpZ0QuVtYVU03yLVsMvYM-F4BMl7_HI0u4vGNzPziytZB1O72vucShTDQXh2SlrQl/s1600/20140907_172602.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-62736996194227975062014-09-09T21:04:00.000-04:002014-09-09T21:04:01.569-04:00No Orchids<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
This year Flynn's anniversary was <a href="http://thegriefspot.blogspot.ca/2014/05/we-were-not-here.html" target="_blank">different</a>. We did not recognize it with the same tradition that I have grown accustomed to. Truly I was okay with planning the change in scenery and I enjoyed the time we spent with the boys. If I am being honest I did not miss the moodiness, body aches and extreme fatigue that I normally experience in anticipation of the anniversary. Instead we were eagerly anticipating our escape from daily routines and I knew I could still hold Flynn's memory close and acknowledge him on that day.<br />
In my blog about his anniversary I struggled with the feeling that his birthday was not as comfortable as I wanted or needed it to be. I have come to realize that it was not only the change in scenery or the lack of a time held tradition that made it <i><b>so</b></i> different. Moreover it has taken me months to reconcile and recognize that the changes that were made to Flynn's anniversary had a more profound effect on the grief that journeys alongside me.<br />
Every year on May 3rd I purchase blue orchids. They were the flower that showered Flynn's tiny casket and on his anniversary I leave some in the cemetery and I bring five home to represent our family. I place them in the centre of our home, typically the kitchen, where they bloom for a month if not more. They had become a symbol of our grief and consequently marked a period when those around us may extend care and compassion especially if we were less than our optimal selves. In their own way the bunch of orchids were symbolic of our mourning, while not active any more, still a time that we could give ourselves.<br />
This year, not only were we far away on Flynn's anniversary but there were no orchids. No symbolic representation of our grief that we could meet daily, touch and have loved ones appreciate. What effect did that have on me? Now, in retrospect, I believe that the lead up that in past years I was so accustomed to became a down swing following this anniversary. The days and weeks that followed May 3rd were filled with fatigue, sadness and periods of depression. While I found ways to cope and manage these all too familiar feelings it took the guidance and understanding of a friend to help me see the significance of the symbols in my grief. It is with gratitude that I am finally able to write this blog, something that I have struggled to express for months. <br />
So next year? I don't think I am willing or ready to permanently change the tradition surrounding Flynn's anniversary and I will likely look toward familiarity as a form of comfort but I know without a doubt there will be orchids.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitnUDEyxvnYzRnIcdLX249yZt9IO1XZs69Af5fINV-kvRXAQLwJsaUSpqk3H0x7khzOMKJfr40IPm_f_4hemf4m0zUURPgy-d9OdgfKLeSQSWhCPHUcPHU9zBlBzqpUsLf4xGxx8kocHQo/s1600/IMG_1772.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitnUDEyxvnYzRnIcdLX249yZt9IO1XZs69Af5fINV-kvRXAQLwJsaUSpqk3H0x7khzOMKJfr40IPm_f_4hemf4m0zUURPgy-d9OdgfKLeSQSWhCPHUcPHU9zBlBzqpUsLf4xGxx8kocHQo/s1600/IMG_1772.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<a href="http://thegriefspot.blogspot.ca/2009/05/anniversary-anxiety.html" target="_blank"></a><br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-82844574804291114482014-06-10T22:27:00.000-04:002014-06-10T22:36:08.422-04:0020 Years Today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaowK-MRTeb4d2Dm7YbqbLTxfa_-VmKt3AepxEkFzot_3iwvA6e8V066FHP6q7vv_Ap3mYMWaHJxodyJkAWPGUWvKwTcdX_8Oc-b_aAf7_LGbu1W5uQnH7QjnOtNWOKx8L9_sE6cs0SqJr/s1600/cemetary.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaowK-MRTeb4d2Dm7YbqbLTxfa_-VmKt3AepxEkFzot_3iwvA6e8V066FHP6q7vv_Ap3mYMWaHJxodyJkAWPGUWvKwTcdX_8Oc-b_aAf7_LGbu1W5uQnH7QjnOtNWOKx8L9_sE6cs0SqJr/s1600/cemetary.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
Today I got re-routed on my way to work. While I was bitching about the construction on summer streets, I turned right off the main street and knew instantly where I was. One more four-way stop and I would be there. Not where I intended to be as I was surely going to be late for work but maybe where I was supposed to be even if for the briefest moment. Beyond the gates lies a place where your name is etched in stone. I already knew what today was. I have known for weeks that it was coming and I went to bed yesterday aware of what day I would awake to. Today is twenty years since my life changed forever, the day You died.<br />
Driving slowly past the cemetery I thought about how I might write this blog, if I felt so inclined. Today was spent in reflection on how meeting you, loving you, knowing that you had died and experiencing your funeral had impacted me but also who I would become as a result. I decided that putting it to words would help me to honour your memory in a way that feels authentic to me.<br />
<br />
Before you I believed that I was invincible, not like superman or some other fictional character but from a place that is based in the residual beliefs of childhood and magical thinking. In addition to having this amazing ability, I also thought that I would amount to something great - which would definitely be in the area of helping others. This was the way of the adolescent ego and that is the time that I am speaking of, when you entered my life. The time between childhood and adulthood, where for many who live with the privilege of health, family and modest middle class, it is a time where the good outweighs the bad.<br />
I knew of you before I <i>knew</i> you and so I was aware that you had Cystic Fibrosis. I even did a project on the disease for health class and I had not even met you yet. The day I did actually meet you, you introduced yourself so assertively and with so much kindness, I liked you instantaneously. In that first conversation you told me about CF as a gesture of transparency and I told you all I had learned about the disease and we fell into an easy friendship. If I am being honest now, in that first meeting I wanted to save you. I thought I could be the one that would go on to be some sort of Biochemist who in my brilliance could research and cure Cystic Fibrosis (even though I had I dropped out of chemistry a semester earlier). I was so future-oriented planning the things that we would do together as friends I see now how you helped root me in the present, even before this whole Mindfulness movement, so I could enjoy it there with you ~Thank You.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
I don't want to fast forward through the 10 months I got to spend as your friend but I know I could fill 6 blogs talking about that time and I want something different for this one.<br />
June 10, 1994 - you died. I was devastated. We were all devastated. Nothing can prepare you for the death of someone you love.<br />
I know now that I lost more then you that day; I lost my invincibility, my immortality and my identity. I was not going to save anyone from death not even myself. It may seem like an unbearable lesson and for a time it was but it also began to carve out the path for my life. Admittedly, I was not ready to take that path at the time and it would be years and another death that would finally have me walking my own journey but I am on it now. In my role I support the bereaved as they enter their own journey and I can come from an authentic place with empathy and compassion that I learned because you were my friend.<br />
As in any life that is built from the lessons that death has taught, it is bittersweet. To have today be just another day and to have you here - well I would have chosen a different path if only it were a choice.<br />
Sheri I remember you always and I know that I have never been alone on my path and that has brought me a tremendous amount of comfort in some of the darkest times. Miss you ~Until We Meet Again.<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-73671352203203382212014-05-11T12:14:00.002-04:002014-05-11T12:14:21.815-04:00A Mother's Day ObservedIn my practice I have been known to tell individuals in relationship with others that they must be clear with their expectations. While I understand the disappointment in not receiving accolades or wooing; if we do not communicate what we need or expect, our loved one will likely fall short of our desires and wishes. Therein lies the potential for breakdown or tension in relationship with others and I am not immune from this experience.<br />
<br />
This year Flynn's birthday and Mother's Day have fallen similarly in the calendar as they did 12 years ago and I have been feeling down in relation to this (or at least that is what I am attributing it to). Practicing what I suggest to others, two weeks ago I told my beloved that I would really appreciate a <i>Love Letter</i> for Mother's Day in lieu of any Hallmark card or store bought merchandise. Once his jokes about me not being his mother were out of his system, he told me that he liked the idea and would see what he could do.<br />
<br />
It may not seem romantic or sentimental to ask for a love letter but I knew that what I needed right then for my spirit and in relation to him was a reminder of our connection. The relationship that is at the basis of our transformation into parenthood and the foundation for our family. In being honest with him I was more likely to have my needs and desires met.<br />
<br />
When he and I began dating we bonded over our love of the written word. We both took poetic license with our thoughts and emotions and reveled in sharing it with one another. His letter to me today left me a puddle of tears, feeling loved and knowing that in this life I have someone who <i>sees</i> me. His letter touched on the deeply personal and I needed it to be. These past few weeks I have felt raw and vulnerable "searching for something" to help me feel rooted. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this beautiful act and I wanted to post this passage and say Thank You for loving me.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><i>"When I watch you struggle with your anxiety over them, their difficulties with school and with their ever growing need to make choices for themselves, I'm empowered by your passion and investment into what they will become. I may be a great "Dad" in the moment but I pale in comparison to your attention to detail. Without you by my side and at the helm of this family, I know that we would be lost....veering wildly around in search of some solid ground on which to build a foundation for a strong future. You are our anchor. It sounds unpleasant, but it is the most important requirement in a successful and truly happy family. You need to know that we all love and depend on you, and always will as our lives unfold.</i></span>"</blockquote>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhIt2R0-YNJMk4hdVxZl-pRDLfvtHjJRL_L7ZCuEv73WpeayvZw7UgTiUXVGzAHse-VS2ZeoCfCx4fmvdrEzg2un1EwvlCFsKTTri7o1ixj4hJBA7QKxFQHwrYd8kDhZ-Tr-_JMCz48Tp9/s1600/IMG_1950.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhIt2R0-YNJMk4hdVxZl-pRDLfvtHjJRL_L7ZCuEv73WpeayvZw7UgTiUXVGzAHse-VS2ZeoCfCx4fmvdrEzg2un1EwvlCFsKTTri7o1ixj4hJBA7QKxFQHwrYd8kDhZ-Tr-_JMCz48Tp9/s1600/IMG_1950.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104237432778628756.post-21773278925327104572014-05-04T10:38:00.000-04:002014-05-04T10:38:00.395-04:00We Were Not Here<span style="font-size: large;">"<i>The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~Kahlil Gibran</i></span><br />
<br />
It wasn't the same this year, Flynn's birthday. Even that is hard to say. I waited for the lead up; the weeks of turmoil and instability. I waited for my body to remember, feeling hollow and burdened and it did not happen the way I had known in the past. Maybe it was because we left the familiarity of routine and our home, taking a mini vacation to a place of happiness. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibkDU9dwBrq7NZp_Hn5m3h4S57xXlUaQwbh3HU3rto_cuDeJDf_rYUNJA-tHDM7dGfdCiFH5e52_MI2MaiXkbWXa_YP6kdoxf6e7dHs7fBwddt4Zgk-sFwUclTmAo4l9SWmk0ZAjJN1GYj/s1600/rhysashkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibkDU9dwBrq7NZp_Hn5m3h4S57xXlUaQwbh3HU3rto_cuDeJDf_rYUNJA-tHDM7dGfdCiFH5e52_MI2MaiXkbWXa_YP6kdoxf6e7dHs7fBwddt4Zgk-sFwUclTmAo4l9SWmk0ZAjJN1GYj/s1600/rhysashkin.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
We were not here. I thought I would be okay with that. Actually I was content with that until today (the day after his birthday) when I realized that a day which I have always devoted to him did not hold the same commitment to Flynn's memory ~ this year. Sure I did a Facebook post to remind the world of his significance and my grief but that takes one second out of my day. Consequently I was sent messages of love and friendship throughout the day and I know that he passed through the minds of my community; that is not meaningless.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzJ9jjT9XicLnSLRRoIgb040WHA2CPb5WKM6H1kG0_1RVZ3cGyDPn4lghWHgDs1Fx9LVzzFelDn_Vqz32fFKGRAR63iw1d0seQNYMp4C_eLBnkICIqeCMgvMFIk8lXo061QfFAsvoTjqa/s1600/fbpost.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzJ9jjT9XicLnSLRRoIgb040WHA2CPb5WKM6H1kG0_1RVZ3cGyDPn4lghWHgDs1Fx9LVzzFelDn_Vqz32fFKGRAR63iw1d0seQNYMp4C_eLBnkICIqeCMgvMFIk8lXo061QfFAsvoTjqa/s1600/fbpost.jpg" height="314" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Flynn is with me every day. In a fleeting moment when I can see him in my mind's eye or feel the weight of him in my arms or in a memory of carrying him deep in my womb. His birthday is different than every other day, it is a time when the world slows down, just the way it did for the days and weeks following his death. I allow for the feelings that whether valid or not still come to me. There is the disappointment and shame in my body's deficiency. The sorrow in only holding him for half an hour before doctors would take me away to save me (not him). The guilt and tragedy in my recovery overlapping with his final heartbeat - I was not there when he died. Ultimately it always comes back to the feeling of failure in being a mother that could not save her child. I need <i>his</i> time so that I can give back to myself the other 364 days of joy.<br />
<br />
<i>Flynn - On the way home your brothers argued over who you loved more while they discussed how much they loved and missed you.</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH6YA0QasdlTiOl4urWYioeu8P1MFaP3PgfGeu7rNHZrg3EuLkoNBK4sdBsO18F7dAHklrVjPi5Fx5frNh5pyUtGfV0hb0VTAn2TSAdOGoJvwZlN5SveaTsO5fqE7VHLeGenvMx7eTEjps/s1600/tired.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH6YA0QasdlTiOl4urWYioeu8P1MFaP3PgfGeu7rNHZrg3EuLkoNBK4sdBsO18F7dAHklrVjPi5Fx5frNh5pyUtGfV0hb0VTAn2TSAdOGoJvwZlN5SveaTsO5fqE7VHLeGenvMx7eTEjps/s1600/tired.jpg" height="211" width="320" /></a></div>
<i> </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Millylynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09889855771473477361noreply@blogger.com0