Not like Any Other

For you it is a day like any other. Playing tag with your dad as he walks you to school, only slightly aware that he is not typically home to do that. You mentioned Flynn this morning, you want to make sense of it. Trying to understand something that boggles the minds of the adults who you seek answers from. You ponder out loud with me:

Littlest: I think Flynn is happier dead...

Me: What makes you say that?

Littlest: Well he gets to become 100 wherever he is, but if he was alive he would be suffering.

Me: I am not sure about that, I would have wanted him to be here with us if he could.

Littlest: But not if he was suffering.

Me: No, not if he was suffering.

It is just a moment and then you are on to something else, a princess story, a butterfly musing. Today is like any other day for you and also it is not. You are so perceptive and bright. You want to play tag with your dad all the way to school. I can see that you can sense a melancholy in his mood but when he plays tag - well there is laughter and silliness and he can hardly keep from delighting in the chase and your giggles at being caught. We get to school and you get into your line. Your dad and I stand near by and you proclaim loudly:

Littlest: Why are you celebrating Flynn's birthday, he is literally dead?

Nobody heard you but us and I get it, I see you. Grief is painful, there is sadness and we don't look the same when it is here. Your protest is not about Flynn, you want your mom and dad to be connected, engaging and light. My little darling, this is temporary. We will sit in the sacredness of the memory of your brother today. We will honour 20 years of loving and missing him. We will return from the comfort of our moments spent with him to the family that has grown around him and you will have us back. Today is not about you and like any sibling, that is hard to understand, but you will be okay because you are so loved. Today is not like any other and that is hard.