May 3rd, 2012
We have a box.
It also has all the notes and cards that we received following his death. Today I took them all out and read every one. They are reminders of how far the pain of his death reached. Some of the note writers are no longer alive. I hope Carlos, my Aunt and my Grandma are with Flynn now.
I looked through all the pictures that were taken the day that he was born. The family photo with me holding our tiny baby, while Flynn clung tightly to Landy's index finger. There were photos that caught the look of despair on my parent's faces and some that captured the tears that wove a sombre path over the round of our cheeks. I remember the words that I whispered just before they took me away for surgery.
"Remember, Mommy loves you always."
After putting away the box, I continued with my day by driving to a florist where I could pick up a bouquet of blue orchids. I buy them every year after they were abundantly splayed in a breathtaking arrangement on the top of Flynn's white sateen casket at his funeral.
"Not after 10 years, now it is a relief, I am actually looking forward to it, I am happy even."
She starred at me. "Even after all these years it can be hard. You mean that it is sad, right?"
I nodded obligingly. It wasn't the day to argue.
I took the country roads out to the cemetery. I love the drive; it is picturesque, with open fields and trees lining the winding road. The entrance to the cemetery is flanked by an old chapel that is full of character and epitomizes the century old cemetery.
I was not ready to leave him entirely, so I took a scenic walk to clear my head and meditate on the day.
The warm weather made my stroll even more enjoyable. The spring blooms were spectacular and the vibrant colours were awe inspiring.
I ended my stroll at a vegetarian restaurant where I enjoyed vegan sushi, a new personal favourite.
There was a serendipitous moment when the tattoo artist told me that his own infant daughter had died 3 years ago. I told the artist the meaning behind the word and the reason that today was the day for me to get it. He showed me the two tiny feet tattooed on the back of his hand and I was thankful I had sat in his chair today.
My day ended with me tucking my three boys into bed for the night before sitting down to write this anniversary blog. I uploaded all the pictures from the day and chose my favourite ones.
As I examined the pictures of my orchid bouquet I noticed that amongst all the vibrant purple and turquoise blooms there was a single bloom that was larger than all the rest with colours that were just a little brighter than the surrounding flowers.
It filled me with joy; 10 years' worth.