*I am going to talk about my experience with a psychic in this blog. Readers may feel very strongly about what a psychic represents to their beliefs, their spirituality or their worldview. This blog is not promoting or dissuading someone from using the services of a psychic and it is not an arena to discuss views on their validity. It is simply a blog about my own experience with a psychic and how it is related to my journey with grief.
I have seen a psychic for approximately thirteen years. It started out as an alternative to therapy; although at the time I did not recognize that. Originally I went on the advice of a friend who had watched me struggle with a spiritual and psychological issue and felt it might be helpful. Over the years it has become more of a check in or tune up for my own psyche. The last time I went was six years ago and in that session I was given what I needed, even though I did not know I needed it, and I have not gone back since.
In the spring of 2007 I felt unsettled. It was this restless, uncomfortable, nestled deep in my body and constantly tapping at my psyche kind of feeling ~ unsettled. I attributed it to my recent 3 month separation and subsequent reconciliation with my partner and all of the messy, unpleasant losses that came with undoing and reassembling family and loved ones. It came with the grief after experiencing the deaths of three people in my life over a short period of time; one of whom was my beloved grandmother. Moreover, it was the feelings that came with the discovery of a pregnancy that was unintentional, terrifying and yet cautiously welcomed. All of it, in addition to leading a life with two youngsters and a double income partnership contributed to unsettled.
I took this feeling and made my way to the psychic. I don't know that I even knew what I wanted but previous experiences had been positive and left me with things to think about, so I went.
She started the session asking me to concentrate on a question that I wanted answered. I remember panicking that I did not have a specific thought that I wanted to focus on and then she began. I was so worried that my "monkey brain" was going to lead to an unhelpful session and experience. She said that there was a man, who had died but was connected to me, who wanted to speak with me.
I need to stop here for a second and explain that I had seen this woman maybe 4 times before this, sometimes years in between. I did not believe that she remembered me from one visit to the next. In those previous four sessions the experience was one of discussion and there had never been a connection with someone in this life or the next.
She said that the man had a message for me and she wondered if I would be willing to hear it. I was very resistant; I did not know a man who had died or rather not one that would want to communicate with me. I remember feeling confused, unsure what to think, I was speechless. Again the psychic told me that the man had a message and so I said with reservations that I would be open to it.
The psychic told me that the man was telling her that he actually had a message for my husband as this man was his father (my husband's father died when he was 13). The message that followed was deeply personal to my husband and his family (therefore I cannot share it here) however it was filled with details and feelings that were only shared in intimate moments in my relationship. The conversation paused and I believed that it was concluding when the psychic said the man did actually have a message for me as well.
She said the man was showing her a picture of two figures. The illustration appeared to be of a man holding the hand of a child and there was a sun behind them. My emotions erupted into a flurry of tears; the picture described was the illustration I had created for my son's gravestone. The psychic continued, telling me that the man said he had the boy there with him. She told me that the man conveyed that he was there in the delivery room, had been there when the time came and that he had and would continue to look after our child.
The intensity of this moment held on for what felt like an eternity with every hair on my body standing on end. I didn't need more, it was enough for me. The psychic told me that the man was gone and we concluded the session.
There are so many ways to discredit this story and on this blog there is no space for that. There is no way to take away what I experienced; a confirmation and connection with what I needed to believe to be true. It helped me to feel settled. I am sure that I could have gotten that same feeling through other forms of therapy or other ways of fostering my spirituality but this was how it came to me. Conversely, it was not something that brought comfort to my husband when I recounted what was told to me and that is okay.